The DeCoria's

Olivia: 1. Eye Tumors: 0.

2011-05-08T21:46:00.000-07:00

It was an early Happy Mother's Day for me.

Thursday was Olivia's first eye scan and it was 100% tumor free. Glory Hallelujah, I tell you! Not only were her eyes tumor free, but she can apparently see better than most children her age. So take that, 13 q deletion including the RB1 gene!

We are decidedly already smitten with Seattle Children's. There was a tremendous amount of peace and relief walking in those doors the first time. The anticipation of the first appointment melted into an enveloping warmth around the part of my soul that is motherhood (and that is quite a considerable part) and I exhaled for what felt like the first time in three weeks. Every single person you meet is so kind and so united in the singular purpose of helping you and your child get answers. This place will do good things for us.

While I was ecstatic that Olivia has been tumor free up to this point, a quite voice whispered, "This is not the end." I know this, I do. There will never really be an end to this, we knew that. This is just the beginning of many, many appointments, scans, consultations, meetings, and plans she will have. But I don't feel as though those were my own words or thoughts. It felt not so much like a warning, but a reminder of something I already know.

No matter. For now, until her next appointment, we are happy and content with the news. It truly is good, good news and that is where I need to focus.

2011-04-28T14:19:00.001-07:00

It's very strange, this roller coaster I'm on.

It's been about two weeks now since we got Olivia's diagnosis. Our emotions don't seem to settle in one place for very long, pinging from sadness to acceptance to confusion to denial so fast that it's dizzying. And tears. Lots of tears. There has never been the question, "Can we do this?" Of course we can. We already are. Our abilities are not question. It is the unknown that is sheer torture.

Her first eye scan is next week with additional tests and scans to follow soon. As much as I'd like to believe that she is fine, she will be okay, I honestly don't know that. We are optimistic about things we have seen so far in her physical and cognitive development, absolutely. But as far as all this eye/bone tumor/health stuff is concerned? I'm considerably less reassured.

The Husband and I often talk about the future. Hers and ours. What will happen when she goes to school? Will kids be mean? Where will her physical symptoms be at that point? Will she be able to lead a a normal life? Will she get married? Will she have children? They are questions we almost don't dare ask, let alone try to honestly answer. For The Husband and I, our future is a little unknown, too. Dr. G wants us to be tested to see if all of this is genetic, to see if we were to have more children if they would also be affected. What if it is? What does that mean for the future of our family? Would it mean we would have no more children? We go back an forth over this, agonizing over the what-ifs, reaching no acceptable conclusion.

Maybe that's the problem with all of this: there is no acceptable conclusion to any given scenario.

I'm a straightforward kind of girl. I like rules and guidelines. I like to know exactly what is and isn't, what I can and can not, and what will and won't in all aspects of my life. I'm completely uncomfortable being thrown into consuming ocean of unknowns. It terrifies me in ways I had hoped never to experience. But I have been thrown, and I need to accept that and do everything in my power to keep treading water. There would be no excuse for not doing at least that

Olivia- 4/13/2011

2011-04-15T13:05:00.000-07:00

**I apologize for such a mass update for so many friends, loved ones, and family members. I'm sorry to do it this way, but I can bring myself to tell this over and over. Up to this point it has been just a few family members have been informed. Again, I apologize for that.

When Olivia was born, her inability eat, rabid breathing, and her adorable, yet troublesome, squeaking were our first indicators that something wasn't quite right. Diagnosis: Laryngomalacia. It was manageable and would likely resolve on it's own. It posed some problems, but we managed.

She squeaked through the 11 months, RSV and hospitalization, numerous illness, and no less than 11 ear infections. When she was finally evaluated for tubes, her wonderful ENT did a scope to check things out before doing any procedure. Typically children with problems like hers needed to be intubated while under anesthesia and he wanted to be prepared. After he finished the scope, he sat silently for a long time before telling me "something isn't quite right." He was uncomfortable with what he was seeing and sent us to another specialist.

A few months later, another hospital stay, an MRI, an echocardiogram, swallow study, and gastric emptying study, we were sent home with Olivia tethered to an oxygen tank.

Over the last six months, we have adapted to her therapy schedules and goals, learned to balance our heavy load of supplies any time we go somewhere, and adjusted to the changes of her needs.

About 2 months ago, I had noticed that Olivia was having a harder time recovering when she would get upset or cry hard enough that her O2 sats would drop. Her sleeping patterns were being more inconsistent than normal. I called her specialist, Dr. A, and we were able to see her a few days later.

During the appointment, Dr. A asked the normal barrage of questions and I filled her in on the changes, what the problems were, and what areas Liv was having progress in. Dr. A sat quietly for a moment and then asked me, "Does Olivia look like you or your husband?" I stumbled over my answer, trying not to give an validity to her question before finally saying, "No, she doesn't." I felt the anxiety seize my heart and take hold. I knew where this was going.

"I want Olivia to see a geneticist," She said with the careful measured calm of a good doctor.

"I want to see if there is any underlying reason behind all of these problems."

Geneticist. Geneticist. I have worked with enough special needs kids in my life to know the significance of what seeing a geneticist means: syndrome.

That word screamed over and over inside my head as we stumbled out of her office and made our way home. This could mean a thousand different things, not one of which were appealing or satisfactory answers. But still, a part of me felt that this was right.

Three weeks ago, we met our genetic counselor, Sarah. She took our detailed medical histories and drew Olivia's blood for a microarray blood test. She arranged for us to meet with a geneticist, Dr. Gm from Seattle Children's to discuss the findings or do further testing if the microarray proved inconclusive.

Wednesday morning, Olivia and I went to the hospital to meet Dr. G. The moment he waked into the room, I knew. A wave of peace washed over me and I heard in my mind, "Yes, this man will set us on the right path for Olivia." I can count the number of times on one hand that I have had such a distinct spiritual confirmation like that.

Sarah and one other genetic counselor joined us in the room. Sarah sat next to me while the other played with my sweet Livi so that Dr. G could have my full attention. We discussed the problems that she has had and what things are being addressed.

"Well," he said, "you're daughter has all these problems for a reason. I have received her blood work, and we have found something."

I felt the blood drain from my face. "Okay," was all I could say.

I won't try to go into the detail of the conversation. I'm not sure that I heard most of it anyway. But this is what we know. Olivia has a very, very rare chromosomal disorder called 13q Deletion. As I understand it, at her 13th chromosome, there are breakpoints. Within those breakpoints are about 102 genes. That missing material of those genes is what is causing many of her problems. There are learning disabilities and developmental delays in addition to the various health problems. We aren't sure to what degree this will affect her, although she has already been in various therapies for several months already addressing these issues. Most notable, Olivia is missing the RB1 gene. Because of this specific deletion, Olivia is at an incredibly hi risk of retinoblastoma (eye cancer) bone tumors, and other related tumors. While the 13q deletion syndrome is not fatal, complications from it can be. We are being sent to see special teams in Seattle at an urgent status to start doing these scans. She will have to have these scans every 3 months for several years.

As we spoke, Dr. G said that while he was "mystified" by the breathing problems she seems to have, he was "completely amazed" that she was walking and that she can speak any words. He informed me that many of the cases he reviewed about this, many of the children were barely sitting up by themselves as 19 months and not walking or talking until 3 or 4 years old. He then said in his soft British accent, "I am even further amazed that your daughter is so beautiful. Most children with 13q have facial deformities."

It was at that point that I finally began to weep. I looked over at Olivia toddling around the room, her beloved puppy in one arm, happily opening and closing every cupboard she came across. I instantly felt overwhelmed with gratitude for the sweet tender mercies of her beauty, of her good natured demeanor, and her accomplishments.

As we waited for the elevator, Olivia spotted the giant fish tank the have on the peds floor and began pointing and making her "fish face." She put one hand on my tear stained cheek and pointed for me to look. I looked at her eyes, her excitement, and couldn't help but smile. She is still our same sweet Olivia. Nothing has changed within her. She is as happy as she ever has been. There is an overwhelming comfort and peace in that knowledge. We have a long, difficult journey ahead of us that is just getting started. So I am going to remember that knowledge, I am clinging to it.

The Husband

2011-02-25T18:08:00.000-08:00

This is The Husband, of course. And basically, I adore him. I mean, how could I not? The man knows and loves every little bit of me, and I sort of think he deserves some kind of award for that, you know? Cause I can be difficult and the tiniest bit melodramatic at times, even when I don't mean to be and think my reaction is totally validated when it's so not.

We laugh a lot, he and I. The way we talk to each other sometimes is vomit inducing. We can push one another's buttons easily, and we get over it even more easily. He doesn't dwell on things, and that may just be one of my favorite attributes about him. I dwell enough for the both of us and then some, he tends to balance me out when I am too much of something. And thank goodness for that. I mean, seriously. He is the calm to my crazy.

He is my best friend. I cannot imagine life with out him. He is the love of my life.

I Could Use Some Wonderful

2011-02-13T22:45:00.000-08:00

Today has not been a particularly sad day. It has actually been relatively happy. Time with the Husband, scripture study, fresh laundry, church, Livi, Skype with my mom and sisters, a visit from my brother and sister-in-law...but all day long, little bits of failure have been creeping into my day; all the things I could be better at, the areas of marriage or motherhood I seem to be lacking in, a stubborn body, my sad attire, resentment of lessons that need{ed} learning, lack of creative flow, just general forgetfulness of so many things that need attending to...

And it makes my heart break just a little. And really, there is no solid reason that it should. But it is.

I've come to recognize the pattern in my life that when I get feeling this way, when I feel the adversary working so heavily when all else in life is basically good and fine, I'm being prepped.

I think perhaps this is one of those times. This has been going on a while now and it makes me nervous about what He has in store for me. I hope it hurry up and happens and that it is something wonderful. My soul could use a little wonderful.

Blockage

2011-02-11T21:34:00.000-08:00

My creativity is feeling stunted.

I opened a box today with all of my notes, writing exercises, finished pieces, book outlines for books I haven't written, my graphite, coal, and colored pencils and all my sketchbooks. I eagerly pulled them out, opened to a fresh sheet and .....nothin.

I haven't written anything worth reading in ages. I haven't drawn anything worth looking at in even longer. This is sad.

I've never had such a severe case of creativity block and I so desperately need to overcome it. And I haven't got the slightest idea how.

Just throwing that out there, cause it's frustrating. And I need an outlet. And all else is failing me.

The Truth About Lost Luggage

2011-02-09T21:12:00.000-08:00

Those who frequently travel by airplane know that there isn't much that is more completely vexing than when an airline loses your luggage.

You planned your trip in detail, properly booked and confirmed your itinerary, carefully {over}packed your suitcase, showed up on time for your departure, safely flew to your destination, only to find that your luggage did not follow you. Whether you are coming or going, it's a completely infuriating experience and it leaves you feeling oddly exposed. It may take only a few hours or up to a few days before your luggage finally finds the correct arrival destination, into a delivery vehicle, and finally into your possession. The whole thing is a strange and discomforting experience and you may think to yourself how conveniently God could do away with these little nuisances in life, these inconvenient problems that really seem to do no good of any kind, anywhere.

Enter: Me.

This last year has been strange. Strange and difficult and overwhelming. The Husband and I have said thousands of prayers often praying for the same specific things, over and over. In December, He opened a door and we were thrilled. A week and a half ago, someone threatened to slam that door shut. I panicked, like most women do. I went from zero to worst case scenario in 2 seconds and cried for hours. What were we going to do? And the ever-calm Husband reassured me over and over, "It will be fine. I KNOW it will." He held me while I sobbed, never wavering in his conviction.

Enter: Lost Luggage.

We had set a little plan in motion a few weeks ago. We live 5 miles from the airport, we have and "in" in the travel industry, and we knew that a current delivery service for a specific airline was burning some major bridges. Several conversations, lots of paperwork, and a new insurance policy later and I am now a business owner.

Yesterday, I was delivering a bag two hours from home. I was thinking about our lives, the things that have happened, and which of our prayers have been answered, including this business. This could not have fallen into our laps at a more needed time. For a moment I thought, I can't believe this just happened to fall into our laps now, of all times. And it hit me. Sometimes God answers prayers in the form of lost luggage. Your inconvenience is the answer to someone elses prayers. The gratitude I felt was overwhelming.

I called the Husband and shared this with him through my tears. "I just can't believe it, we have so many things happening for us or going to be happening for us soon, I just can't believe it. This is such a huge answer to our prayers."

And again, the ever-calm husband said, "Of course it is. Did you expect anything less than an answer?"

So next time your luggage is lost, you get ink on your favorite shirt and must take to the dry cleaners, the doctor sends you to two separate places for blood work, you must speak with multiple customer service representatives, or are having the exterminator spray for spiders forcing you out of your home for a whole day, remember that yes, you are being inconvinced, but also that your inconvenience is the long awaited answer to another person's prayer.

Just To Be Clear..

2011-01-26T22:08:00.000-08:00

I seem to have caused some confusion with my hair cutting/cutting negativity post.

It was a very specific incident prompted me to write it and I was referring to specific people.

However.

If you read my blog, I was not referring to you. These people are not lurking around here. So rest assured, it's not any of you lovely people.

If You Botch this...

2011-01-25T18:38:00.000-08:00

... Mr. Edward Cullen/Cedric Diggory/Salvador Dali/Robert Pattinson, it's over.

This is quite possibly my favorite book ever and I will not be forgiving if you mess up Jacob Jankowski for me.

Cutting Hair, and Other Random Thoughts

2011-01-20T21:10:00.000-08:00

About every other month I feel the almost uncontrollable urge to chop off all my hair. It's an all consuming thought for about 8 or 9 days. I want it gone, it's weight, it's drag, it's length, the maintenance, all of it. Gone. It always seems like a good idea in theory, but I know, for fact, that it's not. I know from all too painful experience that I will love it for about 6 hours before the realization of what I have done kicks in and the tears begin to pour. (I know, tears over hair? Yes. Big fat crocodile ones. It's sad and kind of pathetic.) I remember my hair is not agreeable in any length shorter than 4 inches below my shoulders, I remember the awkward stages in horror and I can talk myself out of such a wretched decision and I feel much better.

This month, I had the same urge, had the same thought process, and talked myself out of it. But I didn't really feel better. I finally figured out why. I need to do to my life what I wanted to do to my hair. (Hair as a life metaphor? Yes.)

I've said it before, this past year has been hard for me for a myriad of reasons. Bit by bit, things are looking better, things are moving forward, and I'm feeling more positive about many things in store for me and my little family. But I think in order for me to totally and completely move on from this period in my life, I need to cut things out. More specifically, all the negativity and all the dead weight.

I learned this past year just exactly how I respond to extremely unkind non-truths about the husband and I. Certain people formed certain ideas that could not have been more untrue about us. They proceeded to spread these ideas to those closest to us. Some (who know us best) ignored the comments or completely defended us. I defended us to the point of a raised voice and angry tears (if you know me, that's intense and impressive). I think I righted the wrongs against us, but I put up walls; thick, cold, gray, steel ones. They are a long way from coming down, they are truly acting as a protection for me, but I think in order for them to EVER come down, I need to start forgiving. And this is going to be incredibly hard, overwhelmingly so. But it's completely necessary. I will accept that there are those who will never really know who I am (even though I could not be a more open person) no matter how loudly I (figuratively) scream it in their face or how sincerely my actions portray just exactly who I am. This has hurt me so deeply. It has been one of the more brutal wounds I have ever suffered. But it's time. I need to cut this from my life, I need to heal from this.

Reflecting on this specific incident, or series of incidents as the case may be, I also realize it's time to cut the negative people from my life. I am a little disturbed to realize how many overly negative people there are milling around in my life, slowing it down, dragging it to the ground, and keeping me there. In times past, I would feel guilty admitting that out loud. I would have felt selfish or unkind. But here's the thing. I'm am not selfish. I am not unkind. I will always help the people in my life who need me. But I am not responsible for the happiness of those who are doing absolutely nothing to help themselves. I am carrying my own burdens, I am helping to lighten the loads of those around me who I love and am more than happy and willing to do so. But I do not have the strength to carry other's burdens by myself as they walk beside me screaming about how wronged they have been. That is not part of a healthy relationship, that is not a loving relationship. It is cruel to expect someone to carry your burdens and for you to do nothing in return. Cut. I no longer have the energy to keep up the maintenance required in the relationships.

So, here's to moving on, to cutting out all the negativity and the dead weight. You have officially been rendered completely unnecessary.

And you know what else is getting cut? The fat. No, really. The actually fat. It's going. Just thought I'd put that out there.

Look...

2011-01-15T14:23:00.000-08:00

...here for a little encouragement. Even if you don't think you need it.

Speak, Sign, Shriek

2011-01-12T22:17:00.000-08:00

This is my Olive. We've been working very hard in her therapy sessions on speaking and communication. Her speech therapist has been really wanting her to use sign language to help with the disconnect from mouth/ear to brain. She's making delightful progress. See.

Oh, and that shriek there at the end? That's all thanks to her paradoxical vocal cord dysfunction. Is it the cutest? Yes. Yes, it is.

2010: A {Non} Love Letter

2010-12-30T22:31:00.000-08:00

Dear 2010,

How I wish I could say it breaks my heart to part ways with you, that you were a year filled with joy, happiness, contentment, and peace, that I will look back on you fondly, and I will never forget you.

But let's honest, shall we?

Let's not kid ourselves. I'm not going to miss you. At all. Not even a little bit. I'm sorry, but the truth is harsh. You were hard and brutal in a way that at times left me crying buckets and made me look like a hot mess 87% of the time. And nobody likes a hot mess.

You were mean and ugly and merciless, not exactly traits I look for in the days and weeks that make up my life. And neither do my friends (you were pretty wretched to most of them, too. Seriously? What gives?).

While I wish I could forget you, completely block you from memory, I probably won't. You were mostly bad, but not all bad. You allowed me to watch our sweet Olivia grow. You brought the Husband and I closer together in ways I hadn't anticipated. You allowed both old and new friendships to deepen and grow. For these things I am grateful.

But all the rest of that crap? You can have it back if you like. I could have done without it.

So farewell, you worthless 12 months of nothing good. I am better because of you, but that doesn't mean we can still be friends. Don't come back. You're no longer needed. I have a New Year coming soon, and 2011 holds promises you never could have.

Good Riddance,

Julie

The News

2010-12-28T14:21:00.001-08:00

New home

New shoes

New oxygen tank

New resolve

New struggles

New strength

New ideas

New tricks

New words

New therapies

New strategies

New table

New perfume

New promises

New love

{Re}New{ed} faith

Tiny Letters {Part 2}

2010-11-24T09:58:00.000-08:00

Dear Ice,

Melt already. You cling thickly to the roads unlike anything I have ever seen. I have been stuck in this bloody house for three days. I hate you.

Dear Stomach Virus,

Is it really necessary that my daughter throw up every day for a week? I mean, really.

Dear Sacramento,

You have some seriously twisted characters down there in California. I won't be moving there anytime soon, but please feel free to keep the interesting work coming.

Dear Airport Patrons,

Stop complaining about being patted down by TSA. If you don't want to be touched, do the body scan. You aren't going to be seen full on naked, you'll be faceless, and no one has to touch your dirty bits.

Dear SC Management,

Please cooperate. Please don't let me down. I'd appreciate it.

Dear Know-It-All,

According to Socrates, you are basically the biggest idiot ever. Bet you didn't know that.

Dear Boxes in the Garage,

I really, really want to unpack you. I'm working on making that possible. I swear.

Dear Sequal Eclipse Oxygen Concentrator,

I love that you are smaller, I love that you are quiet, I love that you are battery operated and approved for flying. However, I don't love that I will basically be wheeling you behind me and Olivia like carry-on luggage for an indefinite amount of time.

11/19/10

2010-11-19T20:41:00.001-08:00

*Socks.

That's all I got today.

11/17/10

2010-11-17T18:01:00.001-08:00

So, I missed a few days. I've been busy.

*Modern medicine.

*Giving friends.

*Those who serve.

*Being humbled.

11/12/10

2010-11-12T10:43:00.000-08:00

*Concerned family.

*Friends who have a promise of good things to come and how happy that makes me despite the circumstances (friend who text me secret news yesterday, I'm talkin to you.)

*Phone calls from Alison.

11/11/10

2010-11-11T12:30:00.000-08:00

*Movies with my husband.

*Blankets.

*My step-dad and his infectious laugh.

Do You Have a Case of Blah?

2010-11-11T11:19:00.000-08:00

Click here. You'll feel a whole lot better.

11/10/10

2010-11-10T09:19:00.000-08:00

*Electricity

*Nichelle.

*Rain.

*Clothing.

11/9/10

2010-11-09T16:21:00.000-08:00

*People who make my family happy.

*Quiet early mornings.

*Space heaters.

*The doctors/therapists/tesachers/nurses who take care of Olivia, who know her, who do everything in their power to avoid the "worst."

*Books.

*Books on CD.

*Potential...

11/8/10

2010-11-08T19:10:00.001-08:00

*Reliable cars.

*Sweet friends.

*Haley.

*Art.

*Ray LaMontagne.

11/7/10

2010-11-07T15:48:00.001-08:00

*The Gospel.

11/06/10

2010-11-06T14:44:00.000-07:00

*Hockey games.

*Nights out.

*My mom.

*My hair that curls naturally.

11/5/10

2010-11-05T19:06:00.000-07:00

*Good conversation with awesome ladies.

*UPS confirmation notices.

*Possibilities.

*My car.

11/4/10

2010-11-04T17:40:00.000-07:00

*Olivia's home health respiratory therapist who is going way above and beyond what she is required to do.

*The husband, for taking care of Liv while I plunked away on the computer for hours today.

*My computer.

*Having a family who collectively can answer nearly every question you could possibly think of.

*My mama's optimism.

11/3/10

2010-11-03T12:34:00.000-07:00

*Windows that are finally starting to slowly open.

*A happy child.

*Plum colored circles.

*Warmth of good friendships.

*Katie's sense of humor.

11/2/10

2010-11-02T13:00:00.000-07:00

*The husband's completely amazing ability to forgive and then actually forget. (Seriously, it's one of his best qualities.

*Heat, heat, heat.

*The guy who delivers Olivia's oxygen and medical supplies.

11/1/10

2010-11-01T19:10:00.000-07:00

*My Relief Society president.
*A silly husband.
*A snuggling baby.
*Forgiving yoga pants.

The Other Night....

2010-10-30T20:04:00.001-07:00

The other night, I carefully tried to get into bed without disturbing my sleeping husband. He'd gone to bed early with a terrible headache and I moved quietly to avoid waking him and despite my efforts he woke anyway.

He lifted his head a little, rolled over to my side of the bed and opened his arms, motioning for me to crawl into his arms and I happily obliged.

He wrapped his arms around me and drifted back to sleep as I lay there I thought about this last year; how hard it's been, how very difficult it has been, how much uncertainty there has been. SO much uncertainty.

But there has been one thing I haven't questioned, that I am completely certain of. The love, comfort, and safety of the man lying next to me. I love my husband in ways both so very simple and so very complex. I adore this man. I completely love this man. And I know he loves me.

Of that, I am completely certain.

Tangled and Tethered

2010-10-21T14:48:00.000-07:00

Olivia has been battling breathing and airway issues since birth. She has always been squeaky and made a stridor noise while breathing and often turns blue when she cries. We knew very shortly after she was born that she had laryngomalacia, an issue we were told could take up to 2 years to correct itself. So we have always attributed her noises and lack of oxygen during hysterics to that.

Fast foreward to March 2010 and the whole RSV/Hospitalization debacle. Since then, she has had over 12 ear infections. Getting tubes seemed obvious. While seeing her ENT, Dr. F, to set up the tympanostomy procedure, Dr. F decided to take a look at her larynx and see how it looked, as sometimes babies with laryngomalacia have breathing problems and need to be intubated during procedures.

After he did the scope, he sat back, furrowed his brows, and "Hmmm"ed for about five minutes before finally saying, "I just don't like it. I don't like what I see in there." And off to specialist, Dr. A, we went. And a tympanostmy, laryngobronchoscopy, and MRI were set for October 11th at a hospital two hours away. We were told to expect about 6 hours from start to finish.

On the 11th, we left at 3 am and made our way through the dark or morning to the hospital. Olivia was so happy, charming the nurses, making the anesthesiologist laugh, and attacking her daddy while we waited for her appointed time. The nurse gave her some "happy juice" and my baby went from ultra-mellow to....well, more ultra-mellow, and she gave of us a funny smirk as the carried her back into the operating room.

When the procedures were over, Dr. A told us she would like to keep Olivia for a while to monitor her oxygen, see what it does, and to perform more tests and procedures to rule out other things that may be affecting her breathing. Olivia has paradoxical vocal cord motion. Basically, her vocal cords don't open and close like the are supposed to. Actually, they hardly close at all, putting her at risk for aspiration, pneumonia, speech delays, lung infections, and various other ailments. She also has severe reflux (How did I not know this?). It's likely the reflux is making the PVCM worse. The vocal cord issue is also affecting her breathing (at least they think this is what is happeneing). Olivia's O2 sats were dropping dangerously low 20-30 times a day.

Brandon and I were completley unprepared to stay. He had only taken one day off work for the procedure and would have to drive home, leaving me there. (Thank goodness for hospital hospitality and Wallskog sisters to make sure I had clean clothes and enough food to get me through the next few days.)

The next day, they did a swallow study, a gastric emptying study, and an EKG. Olivia smiled through it all (okay, most of it) and other than being a bit bored, she was completely happy.

One day turned into three days before we were finally able to go home. (Thank you Tasha and Brittney for figuring out a way to get me home and for getting up at the crack of dawn to come get me.)

We learned: 1- Olivia's vocal cords are crappy. 2- Liv's reflux is really bad. 3- Liv's tummy empty's super slow, making the refulx worse and making the breathing issues worse. 4- She is no longer allowed to have chocolate, peppermint, or fried foods (as if I gave her that stuff anyway). 5- She will now be on oxygen/aggressive meds for an undetermined amount of time. (If these things don't help, she will have to have a trachea. And please, let's not.) 6- She will have to be followed closely by her doctors for quite some time.

This has been a strange adjustment for me. Just...different. A little bit hard, and a little bit sad.

So. Olivia now comes tethered....tethered to a wall, tethered to a tank. Other kids are intrigured by her new facial accouterments, Granny Kaye calls her her tubing her new "jewelry," and it hasn't seemed to slow our little one down in the slightest bit. She is figuring out her limits and just exactly how far 25 ft of tubing can get her.

So for now, we are managing. And so long as her face continues to look like this.....

.... we are going to be just fine.

{One} Year Old

2010-08-30T19:14:00.000-07:00

Sweet Olivia,

I love you in a way I still can not completely understand. It is a love bigger, fuller, and more consuming than you can ever imagine. I love you, every little bit of you. "I love you through and through."

Happy Birthday, sweet baby girl.

Love,

Mom

...

2010-08-28T09:54:00.000-07:00

This morning I took Liv for an early morning jog. The dew of summer is gone and has been replaced with the crispness that assures me that fall is near. I have more eagerly anticipated the seasons changing this last year. They approached with the promise of new milestones, growth, potential, changes, the chance to move forward; all things I so desperately need and crave right now in life. However, this year has been hard. Just really, really hard. All the changes new seasons have promised have failed me. Many doors have closed in our faces, health compromised, frustrations have been all-consuming, promises made to us only to be broken, and there is the feeling of being completely cemented in place.

This morning felt different. I feel something is going to change. Call it inspiration, call it blind hope, call it denial. But I feel it. I am hesitant to believe it, mostly because I want it so badly. Each time my foot hit the pavement I thought, "This doesn't define me. This doesn't define our lives. My frustrations do not define me. This will end. It will. " There is a quote by Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley that has been running through my mind the last few days:

Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot f time running around shouting that he has been robbed. Most putts don't drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is like an old-time journey-- delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.
.

I do not expect bliss, I never have. I know how to work hard in my life to make things work. B and I have a good marriage because we know how to work at it, how to communicate. I know how to get through days when motherhood has reduced me to tears. I know how to carry my friendships because I know how to love and appreciate. I am capable and strong, and I think some how I have forgotten this. I need to remember.

I am not less eager about fall and winter. There is good there. There has to be. I will wait, right here, ready to embrace it.

11 Months

2010-08-08T18:47:00.001-07:00

My army-crawling, 8 toothed, happy, curly-haired, sqeaky baby is 11 months old. I can hardly believe it.

On Mattering

2010-08-05T21:12:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, I started a job doing legal transcription. I was excited by the idea of it being a step away from medical, something interesting and different. When my editor sent me my second case, I was intrigued by the idea of it being a murder case and set straight to work.

I loaded my files and was surprised when the first one opened as a video. Generally, the files come only in audio form. I pressed play and the image of a black man in an orange jump suit came to life. He was so big, so tough looking, the scowl on his face revealing nothing. I listened intently and worked my way through the first few hours of the video.

Tough, a gang member, robbery, murder, drugs, guns, money; all things I would expect to hear in a case like his.

I was amazed at the way the cops unraveled his story, how every lie he told fell apart. His world fell apart at his feet, right before my eyes. It was only a matter of time before the truth began pouring out....and my heart began to ache for him.

As the truth began to reveal itself, the young man retreated to the corner of the room, hugging his knees against his chest, sobs racking his enormous body. He sobbed about his involvement (he had not actually been the murderer), he cried about his future, and he sobbed about the deceit by his so-called friend and brother that had landed him there in the first place. Most devastatingly of all, he cried for his mother. Rocking back and forth on in the corner of the dingy interrogation room, he pleaded with the detectives that he would tell them the truth if they, in turn, promised that he could give his mother a hug. (Much to my relief, the detectives vowed to make that happen.) The rough exterior gone, the vulgar language melted into tears; this hard, rough, man wanted not his freedom, not his friends, not his girlfriend, but his mother.

Tears began to pour down my cheeks as I listened to his pleading. I felt his tears in every inch of my being. His sobs spoke to the mother in me and I felt the familiar fierceness I often feel when I think about my own child and how intensely and wholly I love her. While his actions were inexcusable, I couldn't shake the actual physical pain I felt in my heart for him. I felt his longing, and it will haunt me forever.

I know many mother's, including myself, that worry unceasingly that what we are doing actually matters. Does my child need me? Am I ever doing enough? Does what I'm doing actually make a difference? In that young man's tears, I understood that, yes, I am and yes, it makes all the difference.

Confessions: Part 7

2010-07-28T22:26:00.000-07:00

** I don't know how many times a day my internal monologue says, "Oh, don't mind me. I'm just the mom," when encountering strangers, non-strangers, and really, no one necessarily particular.

**Girls Camp? Honestly, not the best experience I've ever had. Being unprepared, short on information, having a lack of general knowledge and know-how, and a girl breaking her arm did little to enhance the experience. End result? Me, a sobbing, blubbering mess by the end of the week. (But that had more to do with a little bit of "Bishop Inspiration (or intuition)" than it did a bad camp experience. That is another blog for another time, but I digress.)

**Because of said "Bishop Inspiration," I have spent much of the last week in tears. The jury is still out as to if this is actually a bad thing.

**I have a job (!) and so far I am really loving it! First case? Child abuse- So sad. Seconds case? A murder trial- sad and interesting.

**Said job makes me feel very voyeuristic and nosy. It's strange to be paid to hear someones secrets and confessions.

**I'm struggling with self-image right now, in a big, ugly way. It needs to stop.

**I have a lot on my mind that I want to talk about, that I have a need to verbalize, but I can't seem to make my mouth say the words.

**My eyes started going bad during pregnancy and have never recovered. The day I would need glasses again has come too soon.

**Lately, I have been so tired, my head starts to tilt sideways without my even realizing it until my head is touching my shoulder. Problem?

Tired, So Tired

2010-07-16T21:39:00.001-07:00

This week is basically over and I'm not sure I have entirely recovered from last weekend and I'm still gearing up for Girl's Camp next week. Yeah, Girl's Camp. Did I not mention I got called to be the Assistant Director? Well, I did....last Sunday.

Last weekend started with Livi's ENT appointment to check her laryngomalacia, hearing, and evaluate her for tubes. While her larynx is doing well (still squeaky, but she is thriving), her hearing tested on the very lowest level of "normal," and the ENT wanted to wait and see if she got anymore ear infections over the summer (as if having 7 since March was not a big deal, but I digress). Sigh. At the doctor, she seemed her happy, healthy, normal self.

Fast forward 9 hours....I had just returned home from a night out with a friend to discover Liv had a fever of 103.8 and began projectile vomiting all over me over and over again. After the 6th time she vomits on me, I set her down to grab a towel to clean us off and I can see she pushing something around in her mouth. I stick my finger in her mouth to extract the offending object only to discover.....it's a penny. A PENNY. I stood there horrified at the thought that not only did she swallow a penny and not choke, but she threw it back up and didn't choke either. Tears flooded my eyes as I realized that someone is watching over my baby, keeping her safe, and was immediately overwhelmed with gratitude. Shortly after, I was rushing her to the ER with fears of more swallowed coins and dehydration consuming my mind. Six and a half hours, 1 catheter, 1 x-ray, a few test, and an IV to hydrate her we were home again. I had been awake for 26 hours and was completely exhausted. I had been sick for a few days and this seemed to only exaggerate the problem.

Sunday morning rolled around and I had every intention of staying home with Liv to help in our recovery, but that didn't happen. An hour before church, the Bishop called and asked if B and I would come in and meet with him. We obliged and 30 minutes later we were sitting across from him. He seemed a little antsy as he asked if I would accept the calling as assistant camp director.
Sure! I said, to which he replied, "Oh good, camp is the 19th -23rd, next week."

My jaw hit the floor. And a flurry or camp meetings, phone calls, and projects later I am now "unofficially" the DIRECTOR and in charge of everything.

Holy. Crap.

B had to leave town for training and luckily Haley had arranged to come visit for a few days. As always, she saved me. Thank goodness for good sleezas.

Liv is now sick again. I'm exhausted and ready to face plant. Ugh.

10 Months

2010-07-03T18:34:00.001-07:00

Teeth: 6
Weight: 21 lbs 1 oz
Ear Infections: 7
Sleeping: Through the night for the last week and a half!
Naps: Usually 2, sometimes just 1.
Words: Mama, Dada, Ba, Ga, Ta, Wa, Fa, Sss, Rah, Puh, Yeh, and a series of different combinations of those. (She has inadvertently said "Yeah" and "Hot" but I am positive those were not intentional.)
Happy: Practically always.
Sad: Rare and brief.
New Likes: Enchanted, Lady GaGa (My child? Really?) Ray LaMontagne (Definitely my child.), pancakes, sleeping with her bum in the air, Dr. Ello (her pediatrician) , waving, being SUPER flexible (I swear to you, she can do the splits).
New Dislikes: Most food, when I leave the room, napping at church, goose eggs, helmets, motorcycles, spherical things in general, cold things.
Signs: Milk......but nothing else. We are working on many, but she is having some "sensory" issues we are working through.
Favorite People: Dad and Mom. In that order.
Friends: Sydney D., Gavin D., Gavinn O., Dallace W.
Loved: By basically everyone.

Silverwood, Silver Cars, and Clark Bars

2010-07-02T21:26:00.000-07:00

The husband and I haven't had a lot down/alone/together time in the last few months so a few days ago we found a sitter for Liv and made our way to Silverwood, a theme park in Idaho. I know what you're thinking....a theme park? In Idaho? I know, not exactly what comes to mind when one thinks of Idaho but I was pleasantly surprised. I was eager for a break (we were gone 15 and 1/2 hours and it was officially the longest I have been away from Olivia), and even more eager for a break with my hubs. After we rode the roller coasters, we spent many hours at their water park soaking up the gorgeous weather. Disneyland its not, but it has a few more than decent roller coasters and a water park. It was a fun day, and I wasn't disappointed. Even though I was so grateful for a break, it didn't stop us from coming home and waking Livi up just so we could see her....we REALLY missed her. (By the way, we were dopes and didn't take a single picture. Sad, eh?)

While there, we meandered into a candy shop and I found this.....A Clark Bar. I have wanted to try one of these foreeeeeever. They are impossible to find, so I was more than delighted to find one. It didn't disappoint, either.

So where do silver cars fit into this equation? Well, that's how we got to said theme park....in our newly purchased......

Mazda 3! Since we no longer reside in a state that requires serious 4 wheel drive (glory hallelujah!), we down-sized from the Escalade and got this lovely. I am soooo beyond thrilled.I love it. LOVE it.

Thank you husband for a good week. Thank you Tasha for babysitting. Thank you Idaho for not being as lame as I had thought.

9 Months

2010-06-01T20:14:00.000-07:00

Her Face=Heaven

* 20 lbs 7 oz (77th percentile), 28 inches (64th percentile)

* Ear infections: 5. Antibiotics: 5. Drug Allergies: 2.

* Around familiar company, she is quite a chatterbox. Dada being her favorite word, followed by ba ba, ta ta, ssss, several indistinguishable sounds, mama when she's mad, and consisting hissing. Yes, hissing.

* She twirls her hair with her finger when she is having a bottle or is tired.

* She doesn't crawl, but she scoots on her back quickly, directly, and with determination and purpose. I think it totally counts as being solidly mobile.

* Her favorite game goes like this: She makes a high pitched squeak, then you make the high pitched squeak. You volley the sound back and forth until eventually you are both making the squeak at the same time, until she decides to stop and you continue squeaking. In which case you have become the obvious loser.

* She still isn't much of a crier, but when she does it is often with her mouth closed. I know. Weird.

* She still eats everything, unless its actual food.

* She is so happy, its infectious.

We could not possibly love this little one more.

Olivia the Athlete?

2010-05-14T19:20:00.001-07:00

Um, likely not. She's already scared of the ball.

Goodness.

And seriously, I'm not taking pleasure in torturing my child....it's all in the name of a memory, right?

My Mama

2010-05-09T11:38:00.000-07:00

This is my mama. (She just turned 50. I know. Gorgeous.)

She is pretty amazing. No, seriously. She is. I come from a long line of incredibly strong women, and my mom is no exception. She has been through enough in her life to fill two lifetimes and then some.

I could go on and on about her kindness and strength and all her amazing qualities for days, but really, anyone can see these things about her. Her goodness is obvious. But what is most important to me, what I know about my mom is this:

Her faith has never faltered. Her relationship with the Lord is beautiful. She has never questioned her Savior, let her testimony waver, or doubt our Heavenly Father's love. Ever.

This unbending faith has been the best thing she has ever done for me.

Tears come to my eyes thinking about this; thinking about trials she endured with my dad, raising 3 teenage daughters, providing for us, giving us everything we needed when she probably did without, what she had to do alone, the fact that she still beats herself up for things she had no control over, having to fear things alone, to fight alone.....all of it...I don't know how she did it and still managed to keep her faith intact.

Mom, you did good. You really, really did.

Happy Mother's/Birthday! Thank you a million times over. You amaze me.

SDLY

A Bit More

2010-05-08T19:50:00.001-07:00

Last night, like most nights, just before bed, Brandon and I stood over Olivia's crib soaking in the sweetness of our little baby. He touched her face, then I touched her face and we tip-toee out and into our room to settle down for the night. Prayers were said, scriptures read and we lay there curled up and talking about this and that.

Thinking about Liv I said, as I have said many times before, "Sometimes when I see her sleeping so peacefully like that, I just want to go get her and bring her into bed with us."

Brandon paused a moment, leaped out of bed and moments later walked back into our room, swaying back and forth and cradling Olivia. I watched him as he held her close for awhile before gently laying her between us, nestling her in the crook of my arm.

We lay there, the three of us, watching her sleep, bonding so quietly, so tenderly. I felt so overcome with love for my little family.

As Brandon and I drifted off to sleep I thought about all the many times things like this have happened. For whatever reason, the simple action of Brandon bringing her into our bed seemed a bit more profound and the tenderness in his actions spoke so loudly about the man I chose to spend eternity with, I felt myself fall a bit more in love with him.

I love him, I really love him.

Acquired

2010-05-05T21:32:00.000-07:00

When you get married you tend to acquire many new acquaintances/friends/relatives that you would never have had otherwise. This can be a totally wretched/annoying/uncomfortable situation depending on the type of people and quality of relationship the have with your new spouse. Or as in the case of Brandon....a totally awesome thing.

#1- Nichelle was the fist of my introductions to Brandon. Admittedly, I was slightly wary of meeting her as I had only known Brandon 2 days and already some other female was requiring attention from him. Um, excuse me? And then.....I met her. She was basically me with the volume turned {way} up! We both work with special needs kids, we're tall, we make everything funny (even when its not). We are kindred spirits, she and I, life long friends. I could not be more thrilled.

#2 through #7- The SIL's : Taunya, Rachel, Andrea, Brooke, and Tasha. Collectively they are quite the group. They are fun, interesting, smart, hilarious, and awesomely quirky and each one holds a special place in my life. This last year has been particularly special as Brooke, Tasha, and I all gave birth within two days of one another. I completely and utterly adore these two women (well, I adore all of them). We have been able to spend a lot of time together since I moved here, partly in thanks to daily morning workouts/venting/bonding sessions. Their friendships are therapeutic, needed, and loved. I share so much with them, they are truly some of my dearest friends and I could not be more pleased to call them my family and my friends.

#8- Brittney was introduced to Washington life around the same time I was. She had just moved here and was the girlfriend of one of Brandon's best friends. So, really, a friendship was inevitable. I am quite fond of this girl. She is quirky, genuinely funny, thoughtful, easy to get along with, sweet, and her southern accent makes her all the more endearing. She brings honest insight and comedic relief to many, many situations and I love having her awesome friendship in my life.

#9- Tami is a loooooong time friend of Brandon who I only met maybe twice before moving here. Her awesomeness was not lost on me as Brandon, Nichelle, and a few others talked her up to me on more than one occasion saying things like, "You guys should totally be friends." Thanks to the beauty that is the Internet (i.e. blogs and Facebook) we began to "follow" one anothers lives. After moving here, I'm pleased to say she hasn't let me down and has completely lived up to they hype. She really is that awesome. I have come to appreciate her honesty, our private conversations are meaningful, her thoughtfulness in difficult times is amazing (this has not been lost on me), and her friendship is something that, honestly, I just need. Simply put, she is a good friend to have in your corner and I'm thrilled to have her in mine.

10-Ginny....ok, so honestly, Ginny and I have never actually met (cause she lives in Arizona, sadly), but that is sort of irrelevant. Brandon knows her and again, thanks to the Internet, we became a part of each other's lives. We were also pregnant at the same time and had many, many, many conversations during and since our pregnancies. Basically, we are so alike its kind of alarming. Even our babies are alike. It's so weird. I have had so many honest, tender, and completely open conversations with her about almost anything you could think to talk about. I value her advice, which is always spot on. I admire her example and envy her talents and just love her to pieces.

Do you see what I mean? By marrying Brandon I have acquired some seriously awesome friends. Good work at picking awesome people to have in your life, Husband! I love all of them, I need all of them, I appreciate all of them. They have all changed my life in very specific ways. They help make my life so blessed.

**Original Friends: I still love you, too. Heaps and heaps.

**Oh, and ladies....I stole all the pictures off Facebook. Thanks ;)

8 Months

2010-05-01T18:20:00.000-07:00

Do I seriously have an 8 month old? Yeah. Yeah, I do. The last month or so has been rather eventful for Olivia. So here is her update.

*She has had 4 ear infections in the last 6 weeks.

*We discovered she has drug allergies to albuterol and amoxicillian.

*No weight gain in almost two months. She had actually lost weight at her check 2 weeks ago. She weighs 18 lbs 7 oz putting her in the 75th percentile, and she is 27 inches long putting her in the 64th percentile. Yep, pretty average considering both her parents are well above average in height.

*She is super flexible.
*She prefers to hold her own bottle and feed herself.
*She'll ham it up for your attention....and then ignore you.
*She has a definite sense of humor.
*She says Da Da, much to her daddy's delight.
*She doesn't crawl, but don't think she isn't mobile. She scoots around on her back like nobody's business.
*Strings, ribbon, paper, spoons, and mylar ballons are her absolute favorite toys. Hands down.
*We had a 2 week long trip to Utah and Colorado, where Olivia ruptured her eardrum. Sigh.
*She still squeaks.
*She is so, so wiggley.
*She has learned to protest.
*She smakes her lips and clicks her tongue like crazy (ok, she has been clicking for 4 months now, but its still hilarious).
*She whispers. I know.
*She will sometimes turn the pages of books before trying to eat them.

And now for picture overload.......

Confessions: Part 6

2010-04-29T20:39:00.000-07:00

*Marching band's make me emotional. I honestly have no idea why.

*I may or may not have an old "comfort" item from may childhood that I may or may not have given to Olivia when I found a replacement.

*The warm weather is making me nostalgic for my cute/comfy summer maternity clothes, therein making me miss my round belly, but am in no way baby hungry again.

*Sometimes I think I don't try hard enough.

*My husband let me sleep for nearly 3 hours yesterday and then sent me to get a manicure and pedicure while he stayed home and played with Livi. He knew how badly I needed it without my saying a word. It made me kiss him a lot.

*When babies babble, it makes me cry. Not even just my baby (well, especially my baby), but other babies, too.

*When something good happens I still often reach for my phone to call my dad, even now 6 years since he died.

*I may have an unhealthy obsession with cake.

*I miss/need my mom at some point every single day.

*B voluntarily watched Ghost last night. I'm pretty sure he loved it.

*Brittney needs to teach me about football. Nichelle needs to teach me how to communicate specifically. Tasha needs to teach me to make ice cream. I'm certain these things will make me a more well-rounded person.

*Lately I feel like I have to ask permission for a lot of things, even though I don't actually have to. I think that means I'm having personal space issues in our current situation. I think I need to get over it.

*I like rules and instructions, I follow them devotedly. I don't sway from recipes. I don't toe the line. I like boundaries. I DO NOT, however, like being told what to do by those who have not earned the right to have a say in my life. Perhaps this is related to said personal space issues.

*I love Glee. I would have auditioned this last week like the rest of the nation, but I have unfortunately crossed the threshold of being "too old."

*That being said, I did not love Glee this week.

*I know a lot of secrets at the moment. Like, a lot a lot. Kinda makes me feel empowered. Is that bad?

Where....

2010-04-04T11:28:00.000-07:00

Where was this book when I was pregnant?

I mean really. I loved reading about pregnancy when I was carrying my little one. I was completely mesmerized by what was happening within the confines of my own body. I read everything and anything I could get my hands on. I didn't like much of the material, particularly What To Expect When You're Expecting (actually, I hated that one) and a few other standards, and I was constantly searching for the ultimate pregnancy book. Yesterday while perusing the library I stumbled upon this in the new release section. I love the "You" books. Love them, own them all. So you can imagine how ecstatic I was to find this. So ecstatic, in fact, that I brought it home with me.

Pregnant again? Nope. Still reading it anyway? Yep.

It has not disappointed me.

7 Months

2010-04-03T20:09:00.000-07:00

Don't you just LOVE her?

I could just eat her up.

RSV Part II: The Hospital

2010-03-21T19:35:00.000-07:00

Sigh.

It might have been Monday morning, or Tuesday. I have lost track at this point. Liv's fever had spiked so high. So high she began having a seizure. Within moments, we were in the car flying back to the emergency room for the 3rd time in 5 days. Shaking and trembling, I gave the nurse our name and waited to be called.

Olivia's soft sobs turned into gasping hysterics. Thankfully, a blessed nurse heard her gasping and was alarmed enough by it she rushed us back without having to wait for the dozen or so people ahead of us.

They checked her oxygen. Low. So low. Steroid treatments, breathing treatments, chest x-rays, hundreds of tears. Admission.

We were in the hospital for 4-ish days. So much frustration and so many tears (on my part). Poor Livi couldn't keep her oxygen up, dropping into the 80's and then the 70's. She slept. We paced. We watched her sleep. We listened to her breathe.
We held her. Snuggled her. Loved her.

My baby. She is a fighter.

Sweet Haley flew in to spend the week with me. Sweet Nichelle didn't leave my side for days. Sweet Tami/Tasha/Brittney/Brooke provided food, company, and much needed comedic relief.

So many prayers were said for us. So many prayeres were felt by us. I have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and kindness by everyone. Thank you, thank you, thank you (you know who you are). The phone calls, the emails, the texts, all the kind words have meant SO much to me. I have been graced with the most amazing and gracious loved ones. We feel blessed, we feel loved.

RSV Face

2010-03-13T21:22:00.000-08:00

My baby has RSV.

This week's been a killer for Liv.

It started out with just some general fussiness and Livi just being a grump. I spied her first tooth had broke through a few days ago and figured that was the culprit.

Then the cough started. And it just didn't stop.

Then a fever. Then weird breathing.

I didn't like it. Something bothered me about this and I couldn't let it go. So night I decided to take her Urgent Care, if for no other reason than to calm my troubled mind. I needed to know she was ok even though a part of me knew she wasn't totally.

"It's just part of teething."

"It's nothing, she is fine."

"You really think she is sick enough to take to the doctor?"

People remarked, thinking I was overreacting. But I took her anyway.

I called my sweet friend Nichelle to meet me at the clinic as Brandon was still at work and I didn't want to go alone. Within 20 minutes of being there, I had my answer. This mother's intuition thing is pretty fierce.

RSV Positive.

The doctor urgently and firmly instructed me as to what needed to happen next, who I needed to call, and what I needed to watch for, continually asking me for reassurance that I would be following through on all said instructions as quickly as possible. Within an hour and a half, Nichelle and I had her prescriptions, a blessing was given, fellow mommies of babies called (Poor Sydney has RSV, too) , a nebulizer in our possession, and her first breathing treatment.

We hadn't been home long before I noticed Olivia's breathing was contracting deeply into her ribs. Nichelle and I looked at each and immediately knew we were taking her to the ER.

Thankfully, she was seen quickly. She was given a concentrated breathing treatment, monitored for awhile and sent home.

It has been exhausting, sleeping in shifts, constantly holding and comforting my sweet little one, attempting to get her to eat, doing laundry, trying to get a meal in (Thank you, Britney!), keeping track of all the meds, and trying to retain one iota of sanity. Nichelle is a saint. She has been amazing while Brandon has been gone working. Between the two of us "we make on fully functioning adult," as she puts it. Oh, Nichelle...I'm so grateful for her right now.

Now, among the masses of blankets on the floor, treatments and medications given every four hours, snuggles, and tears we are savoring a quiet moment while Olivia sleeps somewhat comfortably

Keep Olivia in your prayers. We need her little body to be strong and to have her back to her happy sweet self.

6 Month Love

2010-03-10T10:30:00.000-08:00

Such blue eyes

We love:

Baby Legs

Clicking tongues

Laughing till we lose our balance

Rolling in circles

High pitched squeals

Daddy's games

Snuggling after naps

Pulling our socks off

Eating our toes

Dancing

Singing songs

Eating books

mini letters

2010-03-05T19:39:00.000-08:00

Dear Economy,
Please stop sucking. Thanks.
Dear Doctors of the World,
Enunciate. It's imperative I understand you.
Dear Husband,
I've been a crap wife lately. I'll be back to normal next week. Thanks for understanding.
Dear Shaun-T,
I love you....but then, I hate you.
Dear Lost,
You confuse me. I'll miss you when you are gone.
Dear Ms. X #1,
Stop stealing my words. I'm on to you.
Dear Ms. X #2,
I do not care. So, why do you?
Dear Sleezas,
I miss you. Come play.
Dear Momma,
I miss you. Just move here, ok?
Dear Laundry,
Do yourself. That would be great.
Dear Esophagogastroduodenoscopy,
You have too many syllables. I'm just sayin.
Dear JaLee,
I'm happy my dream is comin' true. I'm so happy about Aubrey!
Dear Neflix,
You are a brilliant idea.
Dear Complete Strangers,
Quit inquiring about my fertility. I don't like explaining myself.
Dear Ms. X #3 & #4,
You are idiots. Big ones.
Dear N, L, T, A, T, S, B, H, K, A,
You guys are pretty dang important. I hope you know that.
Dear Tri-Cities,
Continue to have winters like this. It makes me love you.
Dear Spring,
Hurry faster.

Oh. I might be an idiot.

2010-03-01T20:11:00.000-08:00

So.

I made the awesome discovery that Olivia likes paper. She is completely amused and enthralled by it. At first I think, Fine by me, cheap toy! So very simple and it keeps her captivated for a rather lengthy amount of time (for a 6 month old).

Wow, I hurrah to myself. I'm brilliant!

So.

This afternoon on the way home from running some errands, Olivia gets a bit fussy. So what do I do? Give her a piece of paper. Cause she likes it. And I'm awesome to think of it. And it makes her happy.

We pull up to a stoplight and I glance back to check on the little miss and this is what I find.....

That's right. She ate it. Like, a lot of it. ( In my defense, she didn't eat all that as I found little pieces stuck to her face and straps of her carseat.)

I fed my baby paper.

I pulled the paper from my happy baby's hands and listened to her yell at me the rest of the way home, telling me exactly why I was mean for taking away her beloved paper and intermittenly smacking my own forehead at every thought of my idiotic-ness.

Yeah. Like I said. I'm brilliant.

The Answer to Your Hair Issues

2010-02-21T15:54:00.000-08:00

Even if she wasn't my sister I'd tell you to go see her cause, basically, she's awesome.

Balance

2010-02-15T16:47:00.000-08:00

I am having a moment. A moment where I feel like I'm spinning, its hard to focus, and I am losing balance. Balance in every aspect and I am fighting to keep my eye on my steady horizon.

So much anxiety, I'm in a vise, and breathing becomes labored and painful. I don't know how to make all this work.

I don't know how to be the friend I need to be to all the people that need me. I don't know how to be there in the ways I want to be without offending, without neglecting someone else, without stepping on unnecessary toes. I don't know how to keep the closeness without leaving something else behind. I don't know that if I give what is needed that I will ever get it back.

I don't know how to push forward without falling. My feet feel cemented in place. I'm fighting and pulling and tearing, but I am stuck. I don't know how I am to get what I need to keep my balance when I'm not allowed to move forward. I don't know how to do and provide and create cemented in place.

I don't know if, as a mom, I am doing enough. But I don't know how to do more and I find my inadequacy alarming. This breaks me.

I don't know if, as a wife, I am being what my husband needs. I am terrified I will turn into something that holds him back or brings him down. I don't know how to fight any harder against that fear without being consumed by it. I don't know if I am giving enough, if I am enough.

So much I don't know, so much I am uncertain about, that I am trying to fix, fighting to fix, but somehow the tools to do so keep slipping from my hands and I find myself fumbling around in the dark hope to find one.

Like I said, I'm having a moment. I pray it passes soon. But in the meantime, I needed to be real for a minute. The "real" quality has been missing and I need more real moments. They help the balance. They help it feel a lot less lonely and keep me from toppling over.

5 Months Old

2010-01-31T19:42:00.000-08:00

My daughter, The Flasher.

I don't have official stats...cause, well...I just don't. So, I guess I'll give you some unofficial ones.

Height- Taller than most.

Weight- A little more chub than some, less than others.

Head- Yes, she has one.

*She is the happiest baby, and such a little Miss Chatterbox. She'd talk my ear off if I let her, which, naturally, I do.

*She rolls, back to front, front to back, and occasionally in the bathtub. (She just gets to excited in the bathtub and flips right over with glee!)

*She turns her parents into babbling idiots, especially when she laughs.

*She loves pears. Peaches....not so much.

*She grabs everything, even when unconscious.

*She'd rather play with her feet than just about anything else. Even when holding her upright, she tries to fold herself in half and play with those toesies.

*She hearts her Bumbo.

*Sometimes she sleeps like a log. Sometimes she sleeps like me, which is insomnia-ish. What do you do?

*She is officially no longer sleeping in her car seat! (Hurrah!)

*She is turning into a little toe head. I love, love it.

*She is getting pretty good at grabbing something and sticking it in her mouth.

*She has quite a melodious range of noises and sounds and vocalizes them with rather impressive gusto.

*Babble, spit, raspberry, squeal. (That is what she is doing, right this second. In that exact order.)

*She thinks I am completely hilarious.

*She has the biggest grin. It's like a rectangle. She smiles so big and so hard its like her face is gonna explode. I love it.

Oh happy, happy baby. Happy, happy us.

Picture of said enormous smile.

*This blog is still going private....just haven't yet.....

What Did I Do In 2009?

2010-01-01T02:42:00.001-08:00

I grew a whole human.

What did you do?

The Time Has Come...

2009-12-12T21:50:00.001-08:00

To go private, that is.

I know, I know. So annyoing.

I need to protect my little family. I'm not sure how I will be going about this yet, but it will happen soon. I will maintain this blog and will also be creating another blog. I will keep you informed as to what and when.....

In the meantime, if you want to be included leave me a comment or email me at juliedecoria@gmail.com.

The Husband Said..

2009-12-01T20:07:00.000-08:00

"Update your blog. It's boring."

To which I replied, "Pfft!"

I've been busy. I've been packing, cleaning, feeding, organizing, napping, teaching, reading, singing, driving, traveling, mothering, wife-ing, calling, texting, paying, sorting, crying, running, playing, loading, and moving. Like I even have time to do a proper update.

I will. In, like, a week.

But for now, I need to sleep. Cause I'm tired. My baby is tired. And we are moving to Washington tomorrow. Wish us luck. Say prayers for us. We really, really need them.

After....

2009-11-12T16:18:00.000-08:00

16 months,
483 days,
Hundreds of car trips,
8 months of heavy winter,
Dozens of broken promises,
Millions of prayers,
Hundreds of tears,
Thousands of smiles,
6 homes,
And 1 child.....

We are moving.
Tri-Cities, Washington will now be home.

Lacking...

2009-11-11T22:12:00.000-08:00

This blog is lacking substance as of late.
That's gonna change.
Cause I've got stuff to say.
And news to share.
But not right now. Cause I'm tired.

Liv's Blessing

2009-11-08T19:42:00.000-08:00

We blessed Olivia at my mom's house last week. Brandon's parents came down for the occasion and it was absolutely perfect. Brandon did such an amazing job and gave such a beautiful blessing. I am so grateful for a husband who hold the priesthood and for the amazing father and husband that he is.

Before the blessing, I sang "Daughter of a King." I tend to get smidge emotional when I am singing for things/occasions/people that are close to my heart. I was a mess when I sang at our wedding. I held it together pretty well until the very end when B and I locked eyes, he smiled, and looked down at our baby girl. I came unglued.

There are no words to express what it is to have a child. I was overwhelmed with gratitude to Heavenly Father for trusting us with this little spirit who has waited such a long, long time to get here. I am terrified to fail her, I know she is such an important little one. My love for her has ignited in me a flame to overcome, to thrive, to teach, to know, to testify, and to endure.

Yeah, We're Finished.....

2009-11-08T19:32:00.000-08:00

So.

Brandon and I have had some very definite opinions about vaccinations for Olivia. (So NOT going to get into it here.) To make a very long story short, we decided (and were advised) that because of Olivia's laryngomalacia she at least needed to have the whooping cough vaccine.

Ok. Fine. We guess.

Yeaaah. Not so much.

One shot= Mama in hysterics and the daddy having to leave the room as to not wallop the nurse.

Never. Again. No more. We were far too traumatized.

Bed Head

2009-11-07T14:55:00.000-08:00

2 Months

2009-10-29T22:19:00.000-07:00

My goodness, we love her. Olivia is just such a unique little person. We absolutely adore her. Numerous times a day we find ourselves staring down at her, watching her, laughing at her, and just simply loving her. What was life like before her? We aren't really sure. But we are so in love with her we can't imagine ever not having her.

*Olivia has figured out that she can suck on her fingers, and this makes her one happy squeaker...however, once the fingers are in there she hasn't figured out that she has to KEEP them there to be happy.

*She is a bit of a licker. Hold her, she licks your shoulder. Give her a kiss, she licks you. Put a toy by her mouth, sure enough, she licks that, too. She sticks out her tongue in response to almost everything. Her little mouth is always going, going, going.

*She growls while she eats, prompting the hubby to say, "Stop yelling at your food!"

*Olivia does not so much like the tummy time. It is only bearable for her if she is laying on my tummy.

*She still squeaks. A lot.

*She rubs her eyes when she is tired, a gesture that melts this mama's heart, prompts me to drop everything and snuggle this sleepy baby.

*Liv still prefers to sleep in her car seat or swing. Occasionally, she enjoys the freedom of sprawling out, but generally prefers to be swaddled, snuggled, and cozy.

Being a parent rocks.

Logophilia

2009-10-24T09:42:00.000-07:00

Megan of Remarks from Sparks makes these awesome prints found here. They are awesome. I seriously love these prints. She is having a giveaway on her blog. Go. Enter. Enjoy.

Utah Weekend

2009-10-22T19:02:00.000-07:00

Last weekend Livi and I headed down to Utah. It was a welcome break from the ridiculousness that is Wyoming. (I do not love Wyoming.) It was so good to catch up with friends, spend time with the Sleeza's, Aunties and cousins, Grandma, and Uncpa.

Oh how I love these girls. Lindsey invited Hana and I over one night to catch up and meet each other's babies (or puppy in Lindsey's case). I finally got to meet Hana's darling hubby, Nic, and darling baby, Hendrix. Can I just say I could not be more impressed or happier for this cute family? They are amazing and they set the bar pretty high as to what we all should strive for. I adore Hana and she is such an amazing mother and such an inspiration. Love, love, love her.
I also got to meet Linds's little Lulu and her "friend," Robert. Again, could not be more impressed. Seriously. Linds is an incredible girl with incredible things going for her. I am so blessed to have these two as dear friends.

Aunt Michelle. Gosh we love her. She had us all over to bake cookies. Always a lot of laughter, always a good time.

Olivia was having some serious gas issues that weekend. Very serious. Case in point: The picture above. This is what you get when you catch Liv mid "foosy."

Olivia and Katie bonded over foot art. Batman, of course, for Grandpa Matt. Always, always missing him.

There was lots and lots of napping....

with Grandma....

with Auntie Haley.......

and Uncpa Dan.

We went to Benihana where Livi tasted her first....

piece of sushi! (Ok, maybe not. At least not yet anyway.)

We got in some bonding time with Auntie Sara, who Liv found totally hilarious. Liv snuggled right up to her and promptly fell asleep. I miss this girl. We laughed a lot. We laughed some more. Talked about our darling husbands. It's always a good day when I get to see Sara.

And she made friends with Ashley's daughter, Harper. I adore Ashley. I have relied on her advice more times than I can even count this last year. She has amazing wisdom and killer insight. She is open minded, kind, receptive, and completely grounded. I was in awe watching her with Harper. She has a gift when it comes to motherhood. To say she is an amazing mother does not do her justice. She has set a breathtaking example of what a mother should be and I hope to be able to follow her lead.

We love being amused by cousin Brian. He's a hoot and fairly harmless, despite what this picture implies.

She was pretty tuckered by the end of the week. So many snuggles, so many loves. We have such amazing people in our lives. I am so grateful to have so many people who love our little bean.

Squeaky

2009-10-13T17:19:00.000-07:00

This is my squeaky baby.

No, she isn't fussy. Olivia has laryngomalacia and this is what it sounds like...when she is calm. She sounds like this (or worse). All. Day. Long. Even in her sleep. I tried to show how deeply her throat sinks in when she breathes, but couldn't quite get it.

I am often asked if she is sick or upset, she isn't. She isn't even much of a crier. Although, when she does cry, she turns a little blue because her little larynx keeps getting smaller and smaller. Small larynx=no breath. I think she realizes this and makes it a point to get her point across fast when she is upset and avoid a blue pallor.

The problem SHOULD go away somewhere between 18-24 months. I hope. Doesn't it wear you out just listening to her?

Even though I hate that she has breathing issues, they have become a source of comfort. So long as she is squeaking we know she is ok and she is happy.

And really, that is all that matters.

1 Month

2009-10-02T14:10:00.000-07:00

Olivia is a month old.

She sneezes in 3's, just like her daddy.

She adores the bath.

She sqeaks. A lot.

And snorts a little, too.

She is indifferent about her binky.

She's been to 3 different states.

She's had a scope in her little nose.

She blows raspberries, constantly.

She sings right along with music.

(The Beatles and Ingrid Michaelson are favorites.)

She is fascinated by windows.

She loves her daddy.

She is amazing.

We can"t get enough.

We are smitten.

Miss Liv

2009-09-11T12:34:00.000-07:00

Since the last post is super long here are just some pictures since that's really all anyone wants to see anyway.

August 30, 2009

2009-09-10T22:17:00.000-07:00

I woke up Saturday morning in a markedly foul mood. I was miserable. I was fat. I was a bit depressed. I wanted Brandon home. I wanted to yell at everybody. I felt like I was coming down with something. And I swear my face had doubled in size in the last 24 hours. I was in no mood to be awake. Within a half hour of rolling out of bed I was back in bed. Most of the day was spent like that; sleeping, grumbling, and complaining.

Brandon called me on his way to work for our usual chat. He could tell I was beyond miserable and urged me to get of the house, to do something to cheer myself up. I was starving, it was just me and my step-dad at home, so I coaxed him into going and getting some sushi. The meal was delicious and uneventful. Always good company, Dan and I chatted and enjoyed the food.

On the way home, around 7:00 pm, Dan needed to stop at the grocery store so I dropped him off and decided to go rent a couple of movies. I waddled my way over to Blockbuster and just as I walked in the door I felt a slightly odd, wet feeling. The manager behind the counter asked me if I was alright since I was very clearly, very pregnant and I had just stopped dead in my tracks with my mouth wide open.

"Um, can I use your bathroom?" I squeaked.

Sensing my urgency, she practically ran to the bathroom, nearly barreling over a few customers in the process.

Sure enough, my water broke. Do not panic, I am fine. I am fine. I am. Fine. B is still in Wyoming. I am fine. Holy fire. I had not been feeling any consistent or painful contractions that day, so I was stunned, to say the least. I ran- as fast as a 39 weeks pregnant lady can- out to my car, fumbling for my phone, and the manager yelling, "Good luck!" as I hurled myself through the doors to pick up Dan.

I called Brandon. "Honey, I think my water just broke." He responded with several strains of, "Really?" and "Serious?" After reassuring him that I was "really serious," he headed out to make the 6 hour drive here.

I was shockingly calm as Dan and I went to the hospital, which was slammed with lots of other mommies giving birth and going into labor at the same time I was. They set me up in a temporary room until I could be checked to make sure my water, had in fact, broken and for a room to be cleared out. There was a major shortage of help that night, as all the nurses and doctors had their hands full with other frantic mommies and babies, and it was a full hour and a half before a resident, very much resembling Rivers Cuomo of Weezer, came in to check me. I was still only dilated to a 1, my contractions were 3 minutes apart, this baby girl was definitely coming.

I finally met my doctor, Dr. Hardin, just before they took me into another room. There was a lot of meconium in my water and the doctor was concerned about Olivia aspirating the meconium during delivery and suggested they use a pump to clean out the amniotic fluid before I actually delivered. He then asked how quickly I wanted to proceed, advising me not to use pitocin if I didn't absolutely need it. I told him I needed to last at least until Brandon could get there which would be around 1 am. Dr. Hardin chuckled and reassured me that it was very doubtful that I would have this baby before daylight hours. He checked me again, barely dilated to a 2, and told me to relax.

Minutes later I was moved to another room, the contractions were becoming slightly more intense every few minutes. They were beginning to take my breathe away and I had to quit talking and focus on breathing through them. I started shaking and feeling the need to vomit with every contraction. Am I just being a wuss? They can't be this bad already. I am only at a 2! I told myself just to suck it up as long as possible, but not even 5 minutes later I asked for the epidural.

The doctor came in to hook me up to the pump to help clean my amniotic fluid. To spare the gory details, the process was nearly unbearable. After it was over, the doctor told me I had gone from 2 to a 7 in less than an hour and it was no wonder I was in such agony. I didn't even have the epidural yet. I silently "Hurrah!"ed to myself that wasn't just a wuss loser who couldn't handle the pain...it was really that bad. (I made it to a 7 for crying out loud, even though I had no idea I was that far along!) Dr. Hardin apologized that his 17 years experience of delivering babies didn't help him better predict that my labor would go as fast as it was.

Nearly 2 hours had passed since I had requested the epidural. I was starting to panic. The contractions were only a minute and a half apart. I barely had time to recover from one before the next one would begin. I wasn't sure how much I could take. I said a silent prayer, begging for the anesthesiologist to "be here" in 1 minute. It felt like such a childish prayer, and in essence I suppose it was, but not even 10 seconds later, the nurse walked in and announced the anesthesiologist was wheeling his cart down the hallway. If I didn't have a testimony of the power of prayer before that, I certainly did now.

Forty-five minutes later, the epidural was over and was kicking in and, as Dan put it, I was there to testify that there was better living through chemistry. Epidurals are amazing. Science is awesome.

Shortly after 1 am Brandon made it. I have never been so happy to see someone in all my life. I couldn't stop kissing him. I was SO glad he made it. An hour after he got there, I was fully dilated and ready to push.

After 40 minutes of pushing, a few socially inappropriate jokes (but some how very appropriate for the situation) by Dr. Hardin and Olivia Jane DeCoria was here! Barely over 8 pounds, much to my relief, and nowhere near the almost 10 pounds my OBGYN had predicted.

She was struggling to breathe at first, which we later learned was because she has laryngomalacia. Her larynx is underdeveloped and makes breathing difficult when she is worked up, excited, mad, sad, just about anything that involves crying. Her condition also makes her squeak, nearly all the time, even in her sleep. But somehow this has only made her more endearing to us. She will eventually grow out of this as she gets older and her larynx toughens up, but for now, every little noise or lack there of has me checking to make sure she is breathing ok.

There are no words to describe the rush of emotions felt when they lay your baby on your chest. It is something so many mothers have tried to do with much difficulty and now I understand.

As I looked down at her and then up at my sweet husband, I felt so complete. This was so right. I knew her so completely and thoroughly, I recognized her being, her light, her sweet spirit. There is an added element of tenderness in my life that wasn't there before, that I didn't even know was missing, and that I know now I could never live without.

The love of this little family is overwhelming. I had no idea how deeply I would feel after having her. I love more fiercely than I could have ever imagined, this little family of mine. I am so consumed by emotion for my husband and sweet baby that it often brings me to tears, as I have yet to learn to navigate the intensity of how I feel.

I could not have picked a more perfect man to be my husband and the father of my children. He is completely wonderful and amazing as I watch him step into the shoes of a father. There are no words adequate enough to express my love for him. I am so grateful to be walking this journey with him, learning, growing, and progressing as a family, loving our daughter more and more every single day. We love her more than we ever imagined was possible. And even in the midst of all the chaos and turmoil in this world, somehow, everything is as it should be.

Olivia Jane

2009-09-02T20:48:00.000-07:00

Olivia Jane DeCoria made her entrance Sunday August 30, 2009 at 2:42 am.

8 lbs 2oz, 21.5 inches.

She is perfect.

We are so in love.

***For all those wondering, more picutres and an update to come soon.

So here's the thing...

2009-08-28T17:30:00.000-07:00

I had an ultrasound Tuesday.
Olivia is big.
Real big.
9 lbs 13 oz.
Or so they think.
Dr. B thinks its best to evict her.
So that's what we are doing.
We are evicting Livi.
On Wednesday.
Nervous?
Yes, I am.
Excited?
Yes, I am!
Pray for my hips.
Please.

Weeks 33-38

2009-08-23T16:20:00.000-07:00

Our little bean has made a habit of growing too fast and then slowing down, resulting in extra ultrasounds to make sure all is well. So far, she is just big and tall. This mama really shouldn't be shocked, but still is a little bit.

The existence of sleep is making an early exit. Too much to think about? Too much to anticipate? Practice for upcoming months? Olivia getting hiccups every time I lie down or roll over?

Perhaps, all of the above.

My attitude has been a bit, well, poopy...for lack of a better word. I had got into the bad habit of cursing my belly, its big and awkward shape, its immense discomfort, often referring to it as my "dang belly." That is until B pointed out, "You call it "dang," but its her mode of life and her home." Well, shoot. When he puts it like that, how can I not appreciate it? Thank goodness for a husband who can put things into perspective for me, as my perspective has broken.

My body is slowly making progress. Her bed is assembled, her bag is packed, her car seat waiting....Hopefully by Tuesday after the ultrasound we will know a little more of when to anticipate her arrival. But for now, we are just waiting, waiting...waiting...waiting...

2009-08-11T17:43:00.000-07:00

I haven't loved having my picture taken while being pregnant, and I wasn't too sure how I felt about having professional pictures done while so large and rotund, but since my mom was the professional and the little Sleeza was the darling assistant it was ok and totally worth it. I am so glad I did them.

There are so many more, but they involve my bare belly....and I'm not to sure I want to put my bare belly on the internet. So for now, you only get the one....

Death of a Fan

2009-08-10T19:49:00.001-07:00

I am sad and dismayed that this day has finally arrived. After 6 years, this......

has finally died. My fan has died.

Sleep has never been my friend. Insomnia being a continuous and ongoing factor in my life I was delighted to have discovered the beauty that is white noise. I stumbled upon the fan in hopes of cooling my bedroom in the hot summer months and discovered that its purposes were multiple. It kept me cool and drown out the noisy silence that would often wake me in the night, sabotaging any semblance of a good nights sleep. I could no longer sleep without it.

After B and I got married, he quietly protested the use of my fan for a week or two until he himself was coaxed into slumber by that wonderful white noise. He is as hooked as I am.

Two months ago, the fan's motor starting making this awful, sickening grinding noise when I turned it on. I knew the end was close. But I managed to coax 60-some-odd nights of use out it by fiddling with the wires, turning it upside down, and basically beating the thing until it produced my desired noise. But last night....it was no more. After 6 years, 11 moves, and every night usage the fan has finally died.

I have had to revert to the back-up fan, a much larger version of this same fan with a sound that resembles more that of a turbo jet engine than a fan. But I need my fan. I really do.

Why so sentimental that I would devote an entire blog post to it? I really have no idea. But I am really that sad about it.

(And for the record....I have cleaned the fan about a bazillion times, but it only takes about 3 days for it to look like this again. I'm not gross, I swear it.)

This...

2009-08-08T21:21:00.000-07:00

Most people know I am a lover of books, a lover of things lovely, and a lover of things haunting. The Lovely Bones is all of these. I first read The Lovely Bones while living in New Jersey and the story of Susie Salmon has stayed with and haunted me ever since. The perspective, the story, and the language of the book made an impression on me, leaving the book a permanent staple in my collection. It is a gorgeously told story, one I will return to again and again. I am excited to see this complex novel come to life, to visually see the story told (through Peter Jackson's eyes, no less!) and see the characters come to life. I think it is going to be stunning.

8 Months

2009-07-13T20:14:00.001-07:00

Oof. I feel obese. When my friend Brittney was still pregnant, she mentioned something about feeling like a sea-cow. I think that's a pretty adequate statement. I'm getting to the end, and I'm getting tired and sloth-like. But I am so very excited about the end result! 8 more weeks folks....8 more weeks.

And the downward looking view......

Weeks 28-32

2009-07-13T19:51:00.001-07:00

Traveling between Wyoming and Colorado, camping, swimming, lounging...we are breaking her in early, hoping she will one day appreciate the "good stuff." Grandma's and aunties have wasted no time in spoiling her with blankets and clothes, all the caliber of cuteness that tends to get lost on men.

She has a tutu. B is concerned this may distract her from fishing. I tell him its not a problem; she will wear the tutu fishing.

Her legs and arms are getting so strong and she is learning to use them. Olivia has no problem kicking me in the ribs when my posture isn't just so.

I count down the days as I watch my feet disappear, crossing my fingers that I will see them again one day. More body parts are swelling and puffing up to unexplainable sizes. No matter...we are so excited to meet her, it seems a small price to pay.

Sometimes...

2009-07-10T16:49:00.001-07:00

I want to get really mad.
And throw things.
And scream.
And stomp my feet.
And yell obscenities.
And kick the door.
And do the "ugly cry."
And growl.
Till my face turns red.

But I don't.
Cause there is not point.
It won't get me anywhere, anyway.
And I act like a mature adult.

But boy, do I really want to.

Road.

2009-07-05T18:14:00.000-07:00

It's not easy to forget, nor is it hard to ignore what this is....

A garbled, tangled, mess. That's what it is.

The last 365 days, breathing in, breathing out. Waiting, waiting, waiting. That isn't to say that this garbled, tangled, mess isn't valid. Its very valid.

It has made us stronger. And if that is not the point, I'm not sure what is.

As husband and wife, we prayed, we inquired, we knowingly walked this road, but still not knowing that this road would extend so far. We've had no warnings. But we have had blessings. Blessings that I pick up along the way and carry in my hands, careful not to crush them. The tender mercies, the added sweetness to our marriage, the appreciation we may not have discovered otherwise, all protected, guarded, and cared for. Things that tell me, that tell us, that all this sacrifice has not gone unnoticed by Him.

We are being cared for.

And while this garbled, tangled, mess weaves in unpredictable patterns, new doors are appearing. New windows are opening. As exciting or new as they may seem, they scare me no less than what is happening now, but I remember that we are solid, we are happy, we are not unnoticed.

We are being cared for.

some faces i'm missing....

2009-06-27T16:30:00.000-07:00

lindsey: cause she is awesome. and i've known her, like, a bazillion years. and she is hysterical and honest. i can count on her for anything. and she is a bestie, a sister, and a kindred spirit.

nichelle: cause we may as well be related. she gets it. ALL of it. and i love her for that. and her heart is fantastically huge. and she says its "ok" when i'm being melodramatic. and i'm pretty sure she has super powers.

sara: cause she is solid and unwavering. we laugh at nothing and bond over documentaries. she is my little ball of sunshine. And she will listen to me...for hours. she is amazing.

steve: cause its hard not to love this mug. he is honest. he not only listens but he actually HEARS what you say. he is ridiculously hysterical. and he is just an all around good egg.

6/16/09

2009-06-16T11:58:00.000-07:00

Exhausted and spent,
husband tiptoes in.
He covers his wife
with an extra blanket.
He cradles her sleeping head.
He cradles her swollen belly.
Husband holds his wife
and whispers,
"My whole world
is right here, in my arms.
My. Whole. World."

Yellowstone

2009-06-04T11:12:00.000-07:00

Who goes camping at 6 and 1/2 months pregnant?

I do. And you know what? It was fun!

We packed up our camping gear (and by "we" I mean Brandon, I merely supervised) and headed for Yellowstone. B had a few days off and we wanted to make the most of them.

People have been so surprised that I dared venture out camping this far along, but really, it was no big deal. I slept better than I had in weeks (even though it snowed one night), we saw a gazillion animals (including a bear cub darting across the road in front of us), I got to be alone with the hubby, and be totally disconnected from everything else. Loved. It.

What didn't I love? Well...B had to literally push my keister up very mildly inclined, paved walkways, and I got to see a fully body shot of my prego self for the first time. Not. Amused. And the day we went to see Old Faithful was ridiculously overcast and rainy, making the steam and water coming out of the geyser blend in with the sky. We were less than impressed, but what can ya do?

But, like I said, I really enjoyed myself. No, really. I did!

Yeah, we were this close to a bison. Or is it a buffalo? Eh, who cares, we didn't get gored so its ok.

Love the scenery. The canyon is nice, too.

Brandon and me...looking hefty.

Mmm hmmm...Camping season is officially here.

Weeks 21-25

2009-06-04T10:46:00.000-07:00

Movements steadily developing, stronger, much more fierce. Her lungs growing stronger, preparing to fill my days with cries and laughter. Her baby fat has begun to fill in, making her all the more ready for her Auntie's to "squish" her.

I'm steady and unsteady. Terrified and excited. So ready and so not.

B rubs my tummy, whispering so sweetly, "Olivia Jane." I choke back tears, he is already better at this than I am and I love him all the more for it. We pray for her, we love her...this sweet little spirit whom we don't even know yet. We are slowly changing from "couple" to "family," and it feels right.

The Husband's Names

2009-05-17T18:56:00.000-07:00

My Granny K always says, "You aren't really loved unless you have a nickname." I have about a hundred, which must mean I'm loved. A lot. I was tickled and amused as Brandon and I were dating, to learn that had about twice as many nick-names as I did. I took this as a good sign.

I have since added several of my own nicknames to his ever growing list and he has added to mine, which I won't share as to keep the gag inducing cutesy stuff at bay. But these two are my favorites:

Bubbs/Bubba: Bubbs to his siblings, Bubba to the nieces and nephews. My first interaction with my future nieces and nephews was on my first trip to Washington. He wanted to introduce me to his siblings and we went to his sister Taunya's house. Within seconds of her cracking open the door, her kiddos came barreling down the stairs screaming, "Uncle Bubba's here! Uncle Bubba's here!" He then proceeded to plop down on the ground where they crawled all over him, wrestled him, and exhausted themselves to the point of breathlessness. A repeat performance of this at his brother Dustin and SIL Andrea's house had me completely hooked and my heart strings all a titter.

Brother Husband: I have sisters. Really good ones. And, well, we are sort of a package deal. We are protective of one another, that's never changed. Just ask Mr. Erickson, Haley's old math teacher who got a colorful earful from Katie when he made Haley cry. It's just the way we are. I was understandably nervous to introduce them to Brandon, because if they didn't like him, well....sucks to be him. Thank goodness they adore him. I mean, really, how could they not? He has become the big brother they never had, and he loves them they way a big brother would. The name Brother Husband suits him and it makes this sister so very happy.

Oh how I love my multi-named husband.

Awkward Family Photos

2009-05-15T16:26:00.000-07:00

Need to laugh hysterically? Squirm uncomfortably? Vomit in your mouth? Click here. It's hilariously uncomfortable. Hours and hours of amusement and weirdness for your gawking delight.

The Ugly Side of the Bump

2009-05-07T13:10:00.000-07:00

I'm a female. And so are you...at least, I'm pretty sure I have no consistent male readers (except for maybe Steve, but he can totally handle awkwardness of the female variety, but I digress). So I can talk about this garbage, and you can sympathize even if you haven't walked this road. Cause we are females, we do that for each other.

What the crap, Pregnancy?

Maybe, I'm just hormonal today, maybe the Prego Fairy just smacked me a bit hard with her "fat" stick, I don't know...either way, I have a bone to pick with her.

I think, like many women, I was a bit disillusioned by the thoughts of pregnancy before I was actually pregnant. Don't misunderstand, I am eternally grateful for this whole experience (especially since we had been told this was unlikely to happen, at all) and I am more than willing to make sacrifices for my family. Totally. I think I was just misinformed. No one really talks about the ugly side of the bump.

I have no clue how many blogs I have read (and written, for that matter) about the magical awesomeness that is pregnancy. To be fair, it has its amazing, tender moments. To be more fair, it has twice as many cruel ones, that really, you have to laugh at. Otherwise, you cry. Lately, I tend to do both.

For example.....

A few weeks ago, while visiting the hubby in Wyoming, we made a day trip to Jackson Hole for a little "us" time. While there, I experienced my most embarrassing moment during my pregnancy, possibly during my life. We meandered into a museum and leisurely strolling through the various exhibits. I should probably mention I was suffering through some fairly severe allergies and was having massive difficulty controlling my endless sneezing...Anyway, while B was describing this thing or that (I can't remember which) I felt what can only be described as an "uber-sneeze" begin to work its way through my sinuses and to my nose. I should probably also mention that I had also lost control over other bodily functions a few weeks prior, and was rarely given warning as to when one of those attacks might rear its ugly head. (Oh, yes...THOSE.) So, unable to control my body at all, I emitted explosion sounds...from both ends of my body. Yep. I let one rip in public. B was nothing if not horrified and completely stunned. He just stared at me, mouth hanging open, unable to speak for about 20 seconds before he just backed out of the room. All the while, I could do nothing but laugh hysterically.

Then there are nights like last night. For those who know me well, my weight "ballooned" there for a few years and then I lost it. I worked dang hard to lose it. About 2 months ago, as the numbers on the scale were creeping up rapidly despite my best efforts of keep them down, I became totally and completely discouraged and vowed to avoid the scale from then on, even turning around at the doctor's office so I didn't have to know the number. Somehow its ok for my doctor to know the number, but just not me. Can't even go there. But last night, curiosity killed the cat and I dragged the scale out from behind the toilet and gingerly stepped on it....only to look down at the number and have it reduce me to tears... a sniveling, weeping, sobbing mess. Just reliving it in my head makes me well up all over again.

Darn hormones.

I have a temper like you wouldn't believe, and it strikes for no apparent reason. I have never been less physically appealing in my life and it discourages me to no end, and its only going to get worse. I fear I will never gain control over my bodily functions again and my husband will wonder what kind of girl he married. I swear I'm still feminine...somewhere on the inside. I think.

There is soo two sides of the bump. The loveliness, the tender moments, belly kisses, kicking, belly pictures, anticipation, the side I think my heart resides on more often than not...love it...the other side, the ugly side, not so much. I'm definitly living on the ugly side of the bump today.

So, like I said. What the crap, Pregnancy?

19 and 20 Weeks

2009-04-29T12:43:00.000-07:00

Her senses, now developed, lead me to quiet moments, all alone, just the two of us, so I can sing to her. We are so eager to kiss her little fingers and toes, to play with her, to just simply love her.
She constantly reminds me that she is around...tapping my belly at my desk, fluttering around my tummy after a workout, kicking me swiftly if I accidentally roll over on my stomach when I sleep. I love being aware of her, knowing she is there.
Finally we know that she is actually a she and we are feeling so blessed. Already, she goes by Olivia and it seems to suit her so perfectly. She has turned her parents into a blubbering mess in the best possible sense. We love her already.

Apparently, THIS Is Important

2009-04-28T13:15:00.000-07:00

This morning I was reading an article online about how our lives would be impacted during "the worst case scenario" of a Swine Flu pandemic. The article lists thing after thing of horrible ways our lives would be affected should major disaster strike. Among the obvious "schools shutting down" and "possible shortage of hospital beds" they felt it important to include:

"People would avoid movie theaters and rent DVDs instead."

Seriously? This statement falls under "Worst Case Scenario?" Worst case scenario that also includes 90 million be affected and a shortage of vaccination and necessary health care? Really?

And........

2009-04-27T15:22:00.001-07:00

Here it is...

2009-04-20T17:17:00.001-07:00

Only here by demand.....

My 5 month belly.

Um?

2009-04-15T18:33:00.000-07:00

When the husband and I saw this movie trailer on TV the other night we were left speechless. Jaws on the floor, all we could do was stare at each other, completely dumbfounded, utterly disturbed.

We give the mere concept of this movie two very enthusiastic thumbs down.

Weeks 16-17-18

2009-04-11T10:13:00.000-07:00

The Little One is wiggling and moving. It's tiny punches and kicks are more frequent, but still unpredictable enough that every time I feel something, I hold my breathe and eagerly wait for more. Although I'm not generally granted my wishes for more movement, I am grateful. Only a few more weeks before we determine if our Little One will be a pink or blue Little One

A trip to the ER and lots of muscle spasms have consumed much of the last few weeks. It has been such intense pain, B has had to all but pick me up to help me move around. My inability to move like a normal person has been torture, but somehow ended up being a blessing in disguise.....down time=time with B.

I have felt a lot of "Am I ready for this?" feelings. My own doubts often try to cast shadows over what I know to be good and right. The adversary works in interesting and cruel ways and I am grateful for the strength to be able to see past them.

10 Loves

2009-04-06T08:28:00.000-07:00

1. My mom. Really, do I need to explain this? Every girl needs a Mama like mine. She is way too hard on herself 99.7% of the time and takes very little credit for all that she does. I love her, she is amazing.
2. Big Sleeza. Because she is awesome. And hilarous. And feisty. And a rough, tough, cream puff. And I adore her.
3. Little Sleeza. Because she is awesome. And hilarous. And a fighter. And a tender heart. And I adore her.
4. Tasha. She is my sister in-law and quickly becoming one of my dearest friends. We have more in common than I had expected two years ago. She has become such an awesome support system for me. I am so grateful for her and that we both get to experience this wonderful weirdness called pregnancy for the first time, at the same time.
5. The fact that my 3 kiddos now favor my husband over me. Normally, I would be saddened by this. But actually, it makes me swoon.
6. Casch calling Brandon "Bandy."
7. Audio books. They make long drives infinitely more bearable.
8. My step dad...I have so much respect and gratitude for him. There are no words to describe how happy I am that he found my mom, that he is willing to take care of his kids, even though three of those kids aren't actually his. I just love him.
9. The Internet...so that I can constantly reassure myself that weird little feelings in pregnancy are actually big fat nothings.
10. Watching my husband play "Monster Under the Bed" with my three kiddos...while he is literally hiding under a crib. It does my heart so much good.

Happy Thursday

2009-04-02T07:03:00.000-07:00

Weeks 14-15

2009-03-26T08:52:00.000-07:00

The earlier months of morning sickness and exhaustion given way to second trimester allergies and even more exhaustion. Strong aversions to food in general turned into a growing appetite but with still very few food items that are even remotely appealing. Emotions are settling and I am growing more in love with the idea of motherhood.

Little, tiny, fists and feet have made themselves evident in the form of bubbles popping. They have been faint and irregular with the exception of one swift kick two nights ago while I was drifting off to sleep.

Little kidney's are now functioning, facial expressions are working, and lungs have begun to develop. I am fascinated by the capabilities of my body, its ability to create and nurture without my even having to think about it. I am amazed, wholly and completely amazed.

Hey..

2009-03-26T08:50:00.000-07:00

gap_girl44? I noticed you follow my blog, I was just wondering who you are? Have we met? Are we friends and I just don't recognize your handle? If so, how terrible of me to not know...

Oh, Mary.

2009-03-23T09:08:00.000-07:00

Every morning at work, Mary pops her head into my office and says, "Hi, Momsy!" Her greeting is often accompanied by some sort of delicious treat, homemade salsa or guacamole, a piece of fruit, chocolate truffles from the chocolate factory here, or a piece of chocolate pecan pie...this only quickly escalating her status as one of my favorites here.

I just adore her.

Mary is a retired vet nurse. Yes, she served in the war, and is an Americorp volunteer. She spends roughly 35 hours a week volunteering for various places and programs, while taking care of her Alzheimer addled husband, is a devout Catholic, and is a gourmet baker/cook/chef. No kidding. Her pies win somewhere around $5,000 a year.

She has gumption. The really good kind. She is just about the sweetest person I have ever met but is able to command the respect of 24 adolescent criminals, whom she refers to as "The little darlin's."

Whenever I'm sick or my allergies are kicking into high gear or I'm really missing Brandon, she tells me she'll light another candle for me. I don't have any idea of the significance of lighting a candle, but her gesture touches me so much, it nearly makes me cry. And if the problems don't seem to subside, she sighs and shakes her head and says, "Well, looks like I'm going to have to expand my candle budget this month."

Really, her faith is inspiring. Her attitude is something to be studied. Her food, quite drool worthy. Her kindness and compassion, touching. Her sense of humor, completely endearing. I aspire to attain her tenderness.

We need more Mary's in the world.