Blockage

My creativity is feeling stunted.

I opened a box today with all of my notes, writing exercises, finished pieces, book outlines for books I haven't written, my graphite, coal, and colored pencils and all my sketchbooks. I eagerly pulled them out, opened to a fresh sheet and .....nothin.

I haven't written anything worth reading in ages. I haven't drawn anything worth looking at in even longer. This is sad.

I've never had such a severe case of creativity block and I so desperately need to overcome it. And I haven't got the slightest idea how.

Just throwing that out there, cause it's frustrating. And I need an outlet. And all else is failing me.

The Truth About Lost Luggage

Those who frequently travel by airplane know that there isn't much that is more completely vexing than when an airline loses your luggage.

You planned your trip in detail, properly booked and confirmed your itinerary, carefully {over}packed your suitcase, showed up on time for your departure, safely flew to your destination, only to find that your luggage did not follow you. Whether you are coming or going, it's a completely infuriating experience and it leaves you feeling oddly exposed. It may take only a few hours or up to a few days before your luggage finally finds the correct arrival destination, into a delivery vehicle, and finally into your possession. The whole thing is a strange and discomforting experience and you may think to yourself how conveniently God could do away with these little nuisances in life, these inconvenient problems that really seem to do no good of any kind, anywhere.

Enter: Me.

This last year has been strange. Strange and difficult and overwhelming. The Husband and I have said thousands of prayers often praying for the same specific things, over and over. In December, He opened a door and we were thrilled. A week and a half ago, someone threatened to slam that door shut. I panicked, like most women do. I went from zero to worst case scenario in 2 seconds and cried for hours. What were we going to do? And the ever-calm Husband reassured me over and over, "It will be fine. I KNOW it will." He held me while I sobbed, never wavering in his conviction.

Enter: Lost Luggage.

We had set a little plan in motion a few weeks ago. We live 5 miles from the airport, we have and "in" in the travel industry, and we knew that a current delivery service for a specific airline was burning some major bridges. Several conversations, lots of paperwork, and a new insurance policy later and I am now a business owner.

Yesterday, I was delivering a bag two hours from home. I was thinking about our lives, the things that have happened, and which of our prayers have been answered, including this business. This could not have fallen into our laps at a more needed time. For a moment I thought, I can't believe this just happened to fall into our laps now, of all times. And it hit me. Sometimes God answers prayers in the form of lost luggage. Your inconvenience is the answer to someone elses prayers. The gratitude I felt was overwhelming.

I called the Husband and shared this with him through my tears. "I just can't believe it, we have so many things happening for us or going to be happening for us soon, I just can't believe it. This is such a huge answer to our prayers."

And again, the ever-calm husband said, "Of course it is. Did you expect anything less than an answer?"

So next time your luggage is lost, you get ink on your favorite shirt and must take to the dry cleaners, the doctor sends you to two separate places for blood work, you must speak with multiple customer service representatives, or are having the exterminator spray for spiders forcing you out of your home for a whole day, remember that yes, you are being inconvinced, but also that your inconvenience is the long awaited answer to another person's prayer.

Just To Be Clear..

I seem to have caused some confusion with my hair cutting/cutting negativity post.

It was a very specific incident prompted me to write it and I was referring to specific people.

However.

If you read my blog, I was not referring to you. These people are not lurking around here. So rest assured, it's not any of you lovely people.

If You Botch this...

... Mr. Edward Cullen/Cedric Diggory/Salvador Dali/Robert Pattinson, it's over.

This is quite possibly my favorite book ever and I will not be forgiving if you mess up Jacob Jankowski for me.

Cutting Hair, and Other Random Thoughts

About every other month I feel the almost uncontrollable urge to chop off all my hair. It's an all consuming thought for about 8 or 9 days. I want it gone, it's weight, it's drag, it's length, the maintenance, all of it. Gone. It always seems like a good idea in theory, but I know, for fact, that it's not. I know from all too painful experience that I will love it for about 6 hours before the realization of what I have done kicks in and the tears begin to pour. (I know, tears over hair? Yes. Big fat crocodile ones. It's sad and kind of pathetic.) I remember my hair is not agreeable in any length shorter than 4 inches below my shoulders, I remember the awkward stages in horror and I can talk myself out of such a wretched decision and I feel much better.

This month, I had the same urge, had the same thought process, and talked myself out of it. But I didn't really feel better. I finally figured out why. I need to do to my life what I wanted to do to my hair. (Hair as a life metaphor? Yes.)

I've said it before, this past year has been hard for me for a myriad of reasons. Bit by bit, things are looking better, things are moving forward, and I'm feeling more positive about many things in store for me and my little family. But I think in order for me to totally and completely move on from this period in my life, I need to cut things out. More specifically, all the negativity and all the dead weight.

I learned this past year just exactly how I respond to extremely unkind non-truths about the husband and I. Certain people formed certain ideas that could not have been more untrue about us. They proceeded to spread these ideas to those closest to us. Some (who know us best) ignored the comments or completely defended us. I defended us to the point of a raised voice and angry tears (if you know me, that's intense and impressive). I think I righted the wrongs against us, but I put up walls; thick, cold, gray, steel ones. They are a long way from coming down, they are truly acting as a protection for me, but I think in order for them to EVER come down, I need to start forgiving. And this is going to be incredibly hard, overwhelmingly so. But it's completely necessary. I will accept that there are those who will never really know who I am (even though I could not be a more open person) no matter how loudly I (figuratively) scream it in their face or how sincerely my actions portray just exactly who I am. This has hurt me so deeply. It has been one of the more brutal wounds I have ever suffered. But it's time. I need to cut this from my life, I need to heal from this.

Reflecting on this specific incident, or series of incidents as the case may be, I also realize it's time to cut the negative people from my life. I am a little disturbed to realize how many overly negative people there are milling around in my life, slowing it down, dragging it to the ground, and keeping me there. In times past, I would feel guilty admitting that out loud. I would have felt selfish or unkind. But here's the thing. I'm am not selfish. I am not unkind. I will always help the people in my life who need me. But I am not responsible for the happiness of those who are doing absolutely nothing to help themselves. I am carrying my own burdens, I am helping to lighten the loads of those around me who I love and am more than happy and willing to do so. But I do not have the strength to carry other's burdens by myself as they walk beside me screaming about how wronged they have been. That is not part of a healthy relationship, that is not a loving relationship. It is cruel to expect someone to carry your burdens and for you to do nothing in return. Cut. I no longer have the energy to keep up the maintenance required in the relationships.

So, here's to moving on, to cutting out all the negativity and the dead weight. You have officially been rendered completely unnecessary.

And you know what else is getting cut? The fat. No, really. The actually fat. It's going. Just thought I'd put that out there.

Look...

...here for a little encouragement. Even if you don't think you need it.

Speak, Sign, Shriek

This is my Olive. We've been working very hard in her therapy sessions on speaking and communication. Her speech therapist has been really wanting her to use sign language to help with the disconnect from mouth/ear to brain. She's making delightful progress. See.

Oh, and that shriek there at the end? That's all thanks to her paradoxical vocal cord dysfunction. Is it the cutest? Yes. Yes, it is.