Sunday, February 21, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
I am having a moment. A moment where I feel like I'm spinning, its hard to focus, and I am losing balance. Balance in every aspect and I am fighting to keep my eye on my steady horizon.
So much anxiety, I'm in a vise, and breathing becomes labored and painful. I don't know how to make all this work.
I don't know how to be the friend I need to be to all the people that need me. I don't know how to be there in the ways I want to be without offending, without neglecting someone else, without stepping on unnecessary toes. I don't know how to keep the closeness without leaving something else behind. I don't know that if I give what is needed that I will ever get it back.
I don't know how to push forward without falling. My feet feel cemented in place. I'm fighting and pulling and tearing, but I am stuck. I don't know how I am to get what I need to keep my balance when I'm not allowed to move forward. I don't know how to do and provide and create cemented in place.
I don't know if, as a mom, I am doing enough. But I don't know how to do more and I find my inadequacy alarming. This breaks me.
I don't know if, as a wife, I am being what my husband needs. I am terrified I will turn into something that holds him back or brings him down. I don't know how to fight any harder against that fear without being consumed by it. I don't know if I am giving enough, if I am enough.
So much I don't know, so much I am uncertain about, that I am trying to fix, fighting to fix, but somehow the tools to do so keep slipping from my hands and I find myself fumbling around in the dark hope to find one.
Like I said, I'm having a moment. I pray it passes soon. But in the meantime, I needed to be real for a minute. The "real" quality has been missing and I need more real moments. They help the balance. They help it feel a lot less lonely and keep me from toppling over.
Posted by Julie at 4:47 PM