Monday, February 15, 2010


I am having a moment. A moment where I feel like I'm spinning, its hard to focus, and I am losing balance. Balance in every aspect and I am fighting to keep my eye on my steady horizon.

So much anxiety, I'm in a vise, and breathing becomes labored and painful. I don't know how to make all this work.

I don't know how to be the friend I need to be to all the people that need me. I don't know how to be there in the ways I want to be without offending, without neglecting someone else, without stepping on unnecessary toes. I don't know how to keep the closeness without leaving something else behind. I don't know that if I give what is needed that I will ever get it back.

I don't know how to push forward without falling. My feet feel cemented in place. I'm fighting and pulling and tearing, but I am stuck. I don't know how I am to get what I need to keep my balance when I'm not allowed to move forward. I don't know how to do and provide and create cemented in place.

I don't know if, as a mom, I am doing enough. But I don't know how to do more and I find my inadequacy alarming. This breaks me.

I don't know if, as a wife, I am being what my husband needs. I am terrified I will turn into something that holds him back or brings him down. I don't know how to fight any harder against that fear without being consumed by it. I don't know if I am giving enough, if I am enough.

So much I don't know, so much I am uncertain about, that I am trying to fix, fighting to fix, but somehow the tools to do so keep slipping from my hands and I find myself fumbling around in the dark hope to find one.

Like I said, I'm having a moment. I pray it passes soon. But in the meantime, I needed to be real for a minute. The "real" quality has been missing and I need more real moments. They help the balance. They help it feel a lot less lonely and keep me from toppling over.


Nichelle said...

I am obsessed with your words. The way your writing always flows so beautifully. You could be writing about balancing chemical formulas yet I'd be fascinated with it.
Also, I love your "real moments". I think they are one of my favorite things about you. Please, keep them coming.
As far as this "real moment", I know no amount of assurance from me will fix your balance but know that I think you are amazing. You are a wonderful mother to Olive. You are the perfect wife for Coria. You are an amazing friend and have been, literally, since the day we met.
I love you my dear friend and if there is anything that I can do to help, please do not hesitate to ask.

Ashley Thalman said...

It is so comforting that the scriptures tell us, "this too shall pass". All of the agony and hurt, the wondering and doubt will make you into something more, something more sure, something more beautiful and something more sure. I know that.

Lindsey said...

You are an amazement to me Jules - always have, always will be. Don't forget your divine role as not only a wife and mother, but as a woman. Take some time for yourself to re-focus and the world will make itself right you!