About every other month I feel the almost uncontrollable urge to chop off all my hair. It's an all consuming thought for about 8 or 9 days. I want it gone, it's weight, it's drag, it's length, the maintenance, all of it. Gone. It always seems like a good idea in theory, but I know, for fact, that it's not. I know from all too painful experience that I will love it for about 6 hours before the realization of what I have done kicks in and the tears begin to pour. (I know, tears over hair? Yes. Big fat crocodile ones. It's sad and kind of pathetic.) I remember my hair is not agreeable in any length shorter than 4 inches below my shoulders, I remember the awkward stages in horror and I can talk myself out of such a wretched decision and I feel much better.
This month, I had the same urge, had the same thought process, and talked myself out of it. But I didn't really feel better. I finally figured out why. I need to do to my life what I wanted to do to my hair. (Hair as a life metaphor? Yes.)
I've said it before, this past year has been hard for me for a myriad of reasons. Bit by bit, things are looking better, things are moving forward, and I'm feeling more positive about many things in store for me and my little family. But I think in order for me to totally and completely move on from this period in my life, I need to cut things out. More specifically, all the negativity and all the dead weight.
I learned this past year just exactly how I respond to extremely unkind non-truths about the husband and I. Certain people formed certain ideas that could not have been more untrue about us. They proceeded to spread these ideas to those closest to us. Some (who know us best) ignored the comments or completely defended us. I defended us to the point of a raised voice and angry tears (if you know me, that's intense and impressive). I think I righted the wrongs against us, but I put up walls; thick, cold, gray, steel ones. They are a long way from coming down, they are truly acting as a protection for me, but I think in order for them to EVER come down, I need to start forgiving. And this is going to be incredibly hard, overwhelmingly so. But it's completely necessary. I will accept that there are those who will never really know who I am (even though I could not be a more open person) no matter how loudly I (figuratively) scream it in their face or how sincerely my actions portray just exactly who I am. This has hurt me so deeply. It has been one of the more brutal wounds I have ever suffered. But it's time. I need to cut this from my life, I need to heal from this.
Reflecting on this specific incident, or series of incidents as the case may be, I also realize it's time to cut the negative people from my life. I am a little disturbed to realize how many overly negative people there are milling around in my life, slowing it down, dragging it to the ground, and keeping me there. In times past, I would feel guilty admitting that out loud. I would have felt selfish or unkind. But here's the thing. I'm am not selfish. I am not unkind. I will always help the people in my life who need me. But I am not responsible for the happiness of those who are doing absolutely nothing to help themselves. I am carrying my own burdens, I am helping to lighten the loads of those around me who I love and am more than happy and willing to do so. But I do not have the strength to carry other's burdens by myself as they walk beside me screaming about how wronged they have been. That is not part of a healthy relationship, that is not a loving relationship. It is cruel to expect someone to carry your burdens and for you to do nothing in return. Cut. I no longer have the energy to keep up the maintenance required in the relationships.
So, here's to moving on, to cutting out all the negativity and the dead weight. You have officially been rendered completely unnecessary.
And you know what else is getting cut? The fat. No, really. The actually fat. It's going. Just thought I'd put that out there.
