Thursday, January 20, 2011

Cutting Hair, and Other Random Thoughts

About every other month I feel the almost uncontrollable urge to chop off all my hair. It's an all consuming thought for about 8 or 9 days. I want it gone, it's weight, it's drag, it's length, the maintenance, all of it. Gone. It always seems like a good idea in theory, but I know, for fact, that it's not. I know from all too painful experience that I will love it for about 6 hours before the realization of what I have done kicks in and the tears begin to pour. (I know, tears over hair? Yes. Big fat crocodile ones. It's sad and kind of pathetic.) I remember my hair is not agreeable in any length shorter than 4 inches below my shoulders, I remember the awkward stages in horror and I can talk myself out of such a wretched decision and I feel much better.

This month, I had the same urge, had the same thought process, and talked myself out of it. But I didn't really feel better. I finally figured out why. I need to do to my life what I wanted to do to my hair. (Hair as a life metaphor? Yes.)

I've said it before, this past year has been hard for me for a myriad of reasons. Bit by bit, things are looking better, things are moving forward, and I'm feeling more positive about many things in store for me and my little family. But I think in order for me to totally and completely move on from this period in my life, I need to cut things out. More specifically, all the negativity and all the dead weight.

I learned this past year just exactly how I respond to extremely unkind non-truths about the husband and I. Certain people formed certain ideas that could not have been more untrue about us. They proceeded to spread these ideas to those closest to us. Some (who know us best) ignored the comments or completely defended us. I defended us to the point of a raised voice and angry tears (if you know me, that's intense and impressive). I think I righted the wrongs against us, but I put up walls; thick, cold, gray, steel ones. They are a long way from coming down, they are truly acting as a protection for me, but I think in order for them to EVER come down, I need to start forgiving. And this is going to be incredibly hard, overwhelmingly so. But it's completely necessary. I will accept that there are those who will never really know who I am (even though I could not be a more open person) no matter how loudly I (figuratively) scream it in their face or how sincerely my actions portray just exactly who I am. This has hurt me so deeply. It has been one of the more brutal wounds I have ever suffered. But it's time. I need to cut this from my life, I need to heal from this.

Reflecting on this specific incident, or series of incidents as the case may be, I also realize it's time to cut the negative people from my life. I am a little disturbed to realize how many overly negative people there are milling around in my life, slowing it down, dragging it to the ground, and keeping me there. In times past, I would feel guilty admitting that out loud. I would have felt selfish or unkind. But here's the thing. I'm am not selfish. I am not unkind. I will always help the people in my life who need me. But I am not responsible for the happiness of those who are doing absolutely nothing to help themselves. I am carrying my own burdens, I am helping to lighten the loads of those around me who I love and am more than happy and willing to do so. But I do not have the strength to carry other's burdens by myself as they walk beside me screaming about how wronged they have been. That is not part of a healthy relationship, that is not a loving relationship. It is cruel to expect someone to carry your burdens and for you to do nothing in return. Cut. I no longer have the energy to keep up the maintenance required in the relationships.

So, here's to moving on, to cutting out all the negativity and the dead weight. You have officially been rendered completely unnecessary.

And you know what else is getting cut? The fat. No, really. The actually fat. It's going. Just thought I'd put that out there.


Tyler, Alexis, Karielle and Jillian said...

Good for you Julie!! I know that you and I have never met in person but I can tell what a strong, amazing woman you are. I'm sorry that people have been saying untrue things about you and Brandon. You guys are awesome and just keep your head up. Things could always be worse and the only people who really matter are the Lord and you and Brandon. And the people who love you know the truth anyway. I wish you luck and know that someone in Alaska is rooting for ya! ;)

Amber said...

So I have this Dad who is basically Satan's love spawn... but he's still my Dad right, so no matter how hateful and hurtful he was I kept him around simply because he's my "Dad." Then my kids got older and started to understand the things he was saying and doing. He began to hurt them and not just me. This caused a ridiculously large amount of soul-searching and crying. But as any mama-bear knows, you can't mess with the cubs so he had to go. BEST. DECISION. EVER. Not kidding. Even though occasionally it hurts to realize that my Dad will never again be a part of my life, not having to deal with his lies, his deceit, and his anger have opened up amazing new avenues of happiness for me and my family. Ridiculously long story short, good job realizing what (or who) needs to be cut out and have the strength to follow through. Your life will be so much better without them.
Also, I think you're fabulous.

Steve Lamb said...

I need to do this with you. Seriously, sometimes I feel like I am in neutral in a car where the option to drive has been removed and reverse seems to be the way to get the car rolling does that make sense? After reading your post, I totally reminded myself that I don't HAVE to be in neutral! So, I am going to follow your awesome example and do the same and cut some things out of my life and maybe I will cut my hair, too, but that is beside the point:) I think we all have walls to break down and I think we all could use a dose of forgivness or two. You are amazing and if you ever need someone to tell you how awesome you are, just let me know because I have about a million good things to say about you. Keep me updated.

~Melissa~ said...

Julie, you always inspire me with your words, I too have felt exactly what your post stated, its so hard to hear untruths about you, you just want to have stand in front of the world and declare the truth! I am praying for you and Brandon, you are both such good hearted and loving people and deserve nothing but the best. I am going to follow your lead and discard the negative wieght in my life too...Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us :-)

Ashley said...

Amen and amen!

The Ottley's said...

Cut. Cut. Cut.
Estoy bien!

Julia said...

Hello Julie, I just came across your blog and I find it interesting.

There are really some people in this world who have nothing to do but destroying other person's lives. Just be strong! What important is, that you and Brandon are doing fine.

God bless you both!

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