Thursday, April 28, 2011

It's very strange, this roller coaster I'm on.

It's been about two weeks now since we got Olivia's diagnosis. Our emotions don't seem to settle in one place for very long, pinging from sadness to acceptance to confusion to denial so fast that it's dizzying. And tears. Lots of tears. There has never been the question, "Can we do this?" Of course we can. We already are. Our abilities are not question. It is the unknown that is sheer torture.

Her first eye scan is next week with additional tests and scans to follow soon. As much as I'd like to believe that she is fine, she will be okay, I honestly don't know that. We are optimistic about things we have seen so far in her physical and cognitive development, absolutely. But as far as all this eye/bone tumor/health stuff is concerned? I'm considerably less reassured.

The Husband and I often talk about the future. Hers and ours. What will happen when she goes to school? Will kids be mean? Where will her physical symptoms be at that point? Will she be able to lead a a normal life? Will she get married? Will she have children? They are questions we almost don't dare ask, let alone try to honestly answer. For The Husband and I, our future is a little unknown, too. Dr. G wants us to be tested to see if all of this is genetic, to see if we were to have more children if they would also be affected. What if it is? What does that mean for the future of our family? Would it mean we would have no more children? We go back an forth over this, agonizing over the what-ifs, reaching no acceptable conclusion.

Maybe that's the problem with all of this: there is no acceptable conclusion to any given scenario.

I'm a straightforward kind of girl. I like rules and guidelines. I like to know exactly what is and isn't, what I can and can not, and what will and won't in all aspects of my life. I'm completely uncomfortable being thrown into consuming ocean of unknowns. It terrifies me in ways I had hoped never to experience. But I have been thrown, and I need to accept that and do everything in my power to keep treading water. There would be no excuse for not doing at least that

7 comments:

The Ottley's said...

Still waiting for your phone call. Let's put these BIG ears to use!
;)
T

~Melissa~ said...

I love you and your little family and it makes me cry knowing you all are hurting to much. I pray for you guys every night. I know Im pretty far but if I can every do anything to brighten your day JUST ASK!!!!

Jensen said...

I think of you often and continue to pray fr you. Being a Mom and not having the control over what is happening is so hard. I always wanted to say "hey stop I am taking my life back and fixing this" I knew I couldnt but I wanted to so bad. Going to the temple, prayer helped because it finaly hit me if I cant trust the Savior and my Heavenly Father with my daughter than who could I trust? It did not take away the frustration but it helped. Love you!

Lamb said...

I think about you guys all the time! I am not a fan of the unknown, in fact, I believe it is the hardest part about this life. This is when faith comes to mind. Faith in a better tomorrow. Faith in ourselves. Faith in others and most importantly faith in our Heavenly Father who has the power to bring everything to our own understanding. I love ya and if you need anything, let me know.

GINGERSPICE said...

Thinking of you all so much Jules, every day and it breaks my heart to know that you are going through such a difficult time! I can't imagine.

Please know we love you and if there is ANYTHING we could ever do, we will jump at it.

There are soo many people that love you and are praying for all of you!!!

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