Thursday, May 7, 2009

The Ugly Side of the Bump

I'm a female. And so are least, I'm pretty sure I have no consistent male readers (except for maybe Steve, but he can totally handle awkwardness of the female variety, but I digress). So I can talk about this garbage, and you can sympathize even if you haven't walked this road. Cause we are females, we do that for each other.

What the crap, Pregnancy?

Maybe, I'm just hormonal today, maybe the Prego Fairy just smacked me a bit hard with her "fat" stick, I don't know...either way, I have a bone to pick with her.

I think, like many women, I was a bit disillusioned by the thoughts of pregnancy before I was actually pregnant. Don't misunderstand, I am eternally grateful for this whole experience (especially since we had been told this was unlikely to happen, at all) and I am more than willing to make sacrifices for my family. Totally. I think I was just misinformed. No one really talks about the ugly side of the bump.

I have no clue how many blogs I have read (and written, for that matter) about the magical awesomeness that is pregnancy. To be fair, it has its amazing, tender moments. To be more fair, it has twice as many cruel ones, that really, you have to laugh at. Otherwise, you cry. Lately, I tend to do both.

For example.....

A few weeks ago, while visiting the hubby in Wyoming, we made a day trip to Jackson Hole for a little "us" time. While there, I experienced my most embarrassing moment during my pregnancy, possibly during my life. We meandered into a museum and leisurely strolling through the various exhibits. I should probably mention I was suffering through some fairly severe allergies and was having massive difficulty controlling my endless sneezing...Anyway, while B was describing this thing or that (I can't remember which) I felt what can only be described as an "uber-sneeze" begin to work its way through my sinuses and to my nose. I should probably also mention that I had also lost control over other bodily functions a few weeks prior, and was rarely given warning as to when one of those attacks might rear its ugly head. (Oh, yes...THOSE.) So, unable to control my body at all, I emitted explosion sounds...from both ends of my body. Yep. I let one rip in public. B was nothing if not horrified and completely stunned. He just stared at me, mouth hanging open, unable to speak for about 20 seconds before he just backed out of the room. All the while, I could do nothing but laugh hysterically.

Then there are nights like last night. For those who know me well, my weight "ballooned" there for a few years and then I lost it. I worked dang hard to lose it. About 2 months ago, as the numbers on the scale were creeping up rapidly despite my best efforts of keep them down, I became totally and completely discouraged and vowed to avoid the scale from then on, even turning around at the doctor's office so I didn't have to know the number. Somehow its ok for my doctor to know the number, but just not me. Can't even go there. But last night, curiosity killed the cat and I dragged the scale out from behind the toilet and gingerly stepped on it....only to look down at the number and have it reduce me to tears... a sniveling, weeping, sobbing mess. Just reliving it in my head makes me well up all over again.

Darn hormones.

I have a temper like you wouldn't believe, and it strikes for no apparent reason. I have never been less physically appealing in my life and it discourages me to no end, and its only going to get worse. I fear I will never gain control over my bodily functions again and my husband will wonder what kind of girl he married. I swear I'm still feminine...somewhere on the inside. I think.

There is soo two sides of the bump. The loveliness, the tender moments, belly kisses, kicking, belly pictures, anticipation, the side I think my heart resides on more often than it...the other side, the ugly side, not so much. I'm definitly living on the ugly side of the bump today.

So, like I said. What the crap, Pregnancy?


Mike and Adrianne said...

Oh Julie, I'm sorry. I understand what you are saying. Pregnancy for me is always so conflicting. I really hate being pregnant. Really. But I also think being able to have a baby is so magical and such a blessing. It will be worth it, in time. Hang in there.

Memmott Family said...

Oh just think of the reward you get in the end. I am sure your husband will love you!! I bet you are still beautiful as ever!!

just keep track of the weight because next time you will want to know!
I think from the FB photos you are still gorgeous!!!!

Lauren said...

I'd like to leave an uplifting comment, saying it will all be worth it. But I'm right there with ya today sister! And honestly, there's an ugly side of motherhood too... but also the beautiful, just like all of this I guess. I guess it really depends what we decide to focus on. But sometimes I think it's okay to wallow in the ugly and cry... as long as we come back to the beautiful. Babbling now, sorr. :)

The Vakautakakala's said...

oh Julie, this makes me smile, because I think every girl's first(and 2nd and 3rd etc) pregnancy is like this!! I swear my husband had never heard me fart before I was pregnant and then all of the sudden it was ALWAYS there!! I can't tell you it will go away and I can tell you you will lose control of not only that but in months to come your farts will turn into wet pants!! (yes this happened to me, and I had to walk through my husbands whole rubgy team to change my clothes!!) you will feel bad about yourself and look at those girls with the nice bodies and think "I wish that was me" (trust me, I'm about as far a long as you are) and I know you've heard this over and over again, but it will get better!! you will have your baby and it will be really hard but then you'll get past that, you'll start nursing and the weight will magically melt off and a few months later you won't beable to remember what your life was like before you had your little one. You won't remember the pain of pregnancy or childbirth, and you'll have to look back in your journal (or blog) and laugh because then you'll really remember those crazy times!! Sorry this is so long, but, hang in there it will get better and then after a year or two you'll be itching to do it all over agian!!

Jodi said...

I'm sorry. I laughed. I love love love love you. You are my hero, seriously. You have no idea how glad I am that you have a temper (so do I) and as a bonus, I get to be warned about all the scariness of the things in my future.

mom said...

Oh my goodness Julie!!! You make me laugh. Very few things make me laugh out loud, your writing does. .........and I laugh, because I, more than anyone know the girly girl that you are, that sweet little "Shera, Princess of Power". You will forever be the sweet little girl in skirts and black patent leather shoes and a bow in your precious girls. Smiling, twirling and just being sweet. You made me smile then, you make me laugh now. Loved you then, love you even more now. I am proud of you. In no time at all, Olivia will be in our arms, she will have us all wrapped around her finger and we will wonder how we truely ever LIVED without her.

~Melissa~ said...

Ok I am clearly the odd woman out here, I loved the ugly side of the bump. The bodily noises, the crying the anger, I mean come on, only when you are pregnant can you get away with yelling and screaming and acting like a baby. I cant tell you how many times I told Dan I was divorcing him, and he took it all in stride even the toots, cause it doesn't last forever and then you have all these great stories to laugh at later on down the line. As for the weight gain, dont worry about it, being under weight is something to cry about when prego and just a little secret, dont know if anyone told you...nursing makes you drop serious weight. I lost alomost 5o lbs in 3 1/2 weeks. So really, just enjoy it and I am dont want it to sound like I am down playing what you said, but really in a blink of an eye Olivia will be spinning on hur tummy trying to crawl and you and Bubbs will be laughing about a little toot that escaped Olivias lil bottom and recalling your musical outing in WY. If you want an ugly side of it all...having the doc break your water and telling you what to expect....I still tell my doc Im mad at her for that :-)

~Melissa~ said...

Yeah I meant " the doc NOT telling you what to expect. ewww

Becky said...

Is it bad that this post has me cracking up? Only because all of that and more happend with my 2 pregnancies. Everything will return to normal again, I promise! It might not seem like it now but it will. Hang in there!

The Gubler Family Blog! said...

Hey Julie, just wanted to let you know about my blog. Add it to your list. I am so happy you are going to have a baby. You are going to be a great mom.

Michaelene said...

Julie, you don't know me. I found your blog by way of SOAM. I have to tell you, this post made me laugh so hard I was really in tears. I wonder if anyone told you about the "Girlfriend's guide to pregnancy" - if you haven't read it, go get it & read it. Pregnancy is a magical, wonderful, miraculous time. Ahem, it is also filled with many moments from the dark side ;)
(I personally love the spontaneous flatulence, which by your story, you've experienced)
If you don't mind, I'm going to add your blog to my reading list. You are so colorful in your writings - quite the muse!
Enjoy your weekend - and know that ALL pregnant women are absolutely gorgeous!