Magical Thinking

So, there is the psychological, cognitive science thing (disorder? issue? I don't really know) called Magical Thinking. I know, I know, it doesn't really sound like an official scientific name, but that's what they call it. Anyway, its a thing where you think that your thoughts have more power over certain events and situations than they really do. I'm pretty sure I suffer/have this, here's why.

I don't sleep on planes or in cars if I can at all help it. My incredibly deep fear of flying forces me to reason with myself, when I am on a plane, in ways that I wouldn't normally. If I stay awake and constantly repeat to myself, "The plane will not crash. It will stay in the air," then it won't happen. Same as in cars. If I fall asleep, who is going to will them to their destinations safely? No one...thats who. I think that if I let myself become distracted by TV or cleaning the house when Brandon is on his motorcycle then something will happen to him.

Seriously, I am seeing myself type these things and I realize how ridiculous it sounds. I am aware of this....and slightly embarrassed by it. Surely I can't be the only person I know that has this issue...

Where did this little psycho part of me come from? I could give about a dozen other scenarios like this, but I will spare you my loony-ness and move on, cause no one likes a crazy person who thinks she can control things with her thoughts. That is just absurd.

Thursday Ramblings.....

A few days ago, my little home was insulted. Someone referred to it as a "crap-hole," (they actually substituted "crap" for another choice word) and I haven't really been able to let it go. I am not so much mad as I am just a little offended really. It's hard work being a woman. Oh how trite and old-fashioned that sounds, but it's true. I have spent many years helping to raise other peoples children and keeping their homes running smoothly. I felt, probably more than most, prepared to run my own little home when I got married. I had a decent idea of the work required and all the unseen details that would need attending to, and I don't even have my own kids yet. I put a lot of effort into keeping our humble little place running cleanly, peacefully, and smoothly. Our apartment probably predates the Native Americans that were here before the pioneers (actually, I think it was built in the 1880's) and perhaps doesn't afford us the luxuries of, oh..say...a dishwasher, but inside our purple (yes, purple) our home is clean, its healthy, and most importantly its happy. So, for someone to insult what I do and what I care for kind of offended me. Am I wrong? Is that weird? I don't know, anyway...just needed to get that off my chest.

Easter Weekend

Brandon and I went to Washington this past weekend for some family time and Easter festivities. It was a rather eventful weekend.



Nichelle, Brandon, and I played on the Trampoline with Jessica and Jackson. As soon as Uncle Branodn left, all Jackson would say was, "I want Uncle Bubbs to come back to he can treat me like a basketball." I guess Nichelle and I combined don't bounce him hard enough. We tried convincing them their faces were going to stick that way. They weren't fooled, they just keep rolling their eyes at us, completely exasperated by our stupidness.

Later that night, Brandon, Fred (my father-in-law), and I went to the Americans hockey game.


I enjoy hockey far more than I thought. I kinda like it. Lots of interesting things happen, and lots of interesting people....


Those white things Brandon is banging together are called Bam-Bam's. They are possibly the most annoying things I have ever encountered. You get excited and you smack them together and the make the most hideous banging noise. Even so, when handed a pair you automatically bang them together, you just can't help it.

This is me, a split second before the guy behind me dumped about six pounds of confetti on the rows in front of him. Apparently, he is a mildly obsessed fan and throws confetti every time the Americans make a goal. It was kind of hilarious.

The Father-in-Law. I just luff him.

Ok, so I couldn't flip the picture, but if you can see there is a group of shirtless little boys. At some point during the break the song "Cotton Eye Joe" came on. These kids all jumped up and ripped off their shirts and started swinging them over their heads. I was so disturbed. No one else seemed to be. Within 15 seconds have the men in the audience had followed suit. I just thought it was weird.

The American's won. Such a fun game! I really think I might become a fan.

For Easter dinner we went to Dustin and Andrea's house. The guys decided to build a fire out in back, it was sorta chilly.


And you know men....what started out as a little fire.....


Quickly turned into a massive fire. And of course they all had to try jumping over it. Oh, brother.


Lots of yummy food and playing the nieces and nephews later, we went home. Not a bad day to spend the day, (it was also our year anniversary! But we celebrated yesterday.) We love spending time with the family. I feel like we miss out on a lot being so far away. I would love to be able to get to know all DeCoria's much better than I do now. I know I will get my chance. I just love them

Confessions #2

** As of late, I have had this bizarre obsession with Coke flavored Slurpee's. I really don't know why.
** Sometimes I secretly want to just give up on these shenanigans we call "college" and become a professional chocolatier, even though I have no business whatsoever being in a kitchen, period.
** I prefer my workout clothes to my regular clothes, except maybe skirts. But if I could work out in skirts and not have to play tennis, I would do that, too.
** I love cleaning late at night. I think I get this from my mother. Brandon thinks I am nuts for this. Can't say I blame him.
** Sometimes I miss wearing glasses.
** People dressed up as "characters" (you know, like at Disneyland?) make me really really uncomfortable, especially when they don't talk.
** I am mildly obsessed with Febreze products. (And by mild, I mean very.)
** Sometimes I wish I had the guts to go Marilyn Monroe blond...it would look terrible, thats why I won't ever do it.
** I did my spring cleaning yesterday. I spent four and half hours cleaning our 600 square foot apartment, which is always pretty clean anyway, got rid of five garbage bags full of stuff, dusted, polished, and scrubbed, and today I still feel like I need to bust out the Ajax and start all over.
** On account of my hard work yesterday,I have spent nearly all of today knitting and watching HBO. I should probably feel guilty, but I really don't.

(No better day like a Sunday for confessions, eh?

10 Loves

1. Endless amounts of love support from those I know and those I have never even met.
2. Spring Break!
3. Ambien....does that make me sound like an addict?
4. Rental movies on iTunes.
5. A supportive husband, the big things, the little things, he makes me fall in love with him a little more each day.
6. Cinema cardio at the gym. I can run in the dark without anyone seeing my wobbly bits.
7. I can see buds on the trees. I can just taste the spring.
8. Re-developing a crush on a certain vampire I'd forgotten about....
9. Barnes & Nobel. Didn't love working there, sure do love shopping there.
10. Take home exam's!

4 Years...

He used to wake us up in the morning by singing the BYU fight song or "I like to go swimming with bowl legged women." I never really understood why he'd want to.
If there was a baby in the room, you could find it in his big strong hands.
He had a wicked sense of humor and the most infectious laugh (Brandon laughs in just the same way). We spent Saturday mornings walking around hardware stores and getting "alligators" and apple fritters from Parson's Bakery. Kids loved him, probably because he was the BIGGEST kid of all. He always smelled of wood and Old Spice. He saved a lot of lives...literally....he just couldn't seem to save his own.

There is so much to be said about him and it would be impossible to put it all down. I miss him. Painfully so sometimes. It was 4 years ago today that he left us. He has missed getting to know my husband, he won't be here when our babies are born. He was missed sending his littlest princess to LA where she is only beginning to realize how amazing she really is. He has missed the incredible laughter and humor of his Little Brown Buddy and the way she spreads smiles and service. Its hard. Its hard to know this.

But, as I have said before, he is still here. I know he is with my babies right now and when I got married, JaLee knows this too, his presence was undeniable, he was everywhere in that room. I know he is Haley's protector in the City of Angels, a fitting place, I'd say. And I know he rides with Katie everywhere she goes. We were the most important people in his life. I know he didn't leave us just to leave us.

I know this. I know he is here. I know this with all my heart.

10:38

I am not a survivor of the selfish
because I pined to be. I didn't crave
the whispers of the small town mind as
I walked among the dead.

I am not living drained, mindless, and
empty because of the holes left in his
head. I've grown only to be the daughter
of a man who was a prisoner
to his own mind.

I am not a mess, case study, disaster,
unstable, or numb drunk. I am not anything
expected.

I am ok, not because I am amazing
or unscathed or unscarred. I learned to
to keep my eyes open. I am ok because
that is all I know how to be.

*****

I had to write this for an assignment called a "Brag Poem." We had to brag about something that we were proud of. I thought about all the things I had accomplished, and this was the only one that mattered. I have chosen to be ok. I haven't let this destroy me or used it as an excuse behave any way I like. That wouldn't help me, more importantly that wouldn't help him.

Happy Birthday, Dad

He would have been 52 today.
I miss him.
I never stop missing him.
Some days it hurts a little less.
Some days it hurts a little more.
But I know he's there.
He's always there.

Let it be known that....

South Dakota does not have good food.

10 Loves

1. Cousins!
2. Cousins that teach me how to knit! Thank you JaLee and Jess. You will both be hearing from me/knitting with me a lot in the very near future.
3. Knitting!
4. Late night talks with Mom.
5. Gorgeous quilts made by Katie and Aunt Michelle.
6. Random weekend trips with my favorite guy. Last week, San Francisco. This week, Mt. Rushmore!
7. The ability to wear my converse shoes again, thanks to NO MORE SNOW! Looking forward to cute flats and high heels!
8. Brandon calling me, with that sweet tone in his voice, wanting me to come home.
9. Going to the movies with Sara. Even if it did totally horrify us.
10. My sisters.

The Class that Runied My Childhood

I signed up for Children's Lit mostly because I got to read Grimm's Fairy Tales AND Harry Potter. This excited me. A syllabus I actually liked? But then I went to class. The teacher hates me and, well, as it turns out...

Little Red Riding Hood is a prostitute.
Cinderella married an idiot.
Germans scare their children into behaving....behave or be beheaded.
Alice In Wonderland may have been on drugs.
Peter Pan is incredibly annoying and unlikeable...so is Wendy.
Apparently, humans evolved from birds....what?
Disney will destroy our children.
Disney princesses have sexuality oozing out their eyeballs, literally.
Beauty and the Beast encourages women to stay in abusive relationships.
Racism has been subtly placed in nearly every childhood story I love.

And we are only halfway through the semester.
Everything I loved about my childhood, the stories, the magic, the dress-ups, the make-believe, the books....it seems so tainted now. I realize how dramatic this all sounds, but during our last class, one girl sat with her head in her heads in tears because of all this nonsense. Seriously. We all filed out of class in silence completely overwhelmed with this information. I feel so defeated. This professor has killed the magic in any children's book I may ever read, all with her sarcastic, pessimistic, eye-rolling, and overkill lectures.

Its no wonder I can't sleep.

It's Late.

The aforementioned insomnia is keeping me wired. I am so tired. My mind doesn't slow down. All I can think about is the horror that is Disney and disturbing European history. I blame my education. I really do. I say this like its a bad thing. Its not, except when it keeps me awake for hours, which happens more often than it doesn't happen.

Tagged by Haley...

10 Years ago.....

I was 14, in high school, on swim team, being awkward as most 14 year olds are, and only 5'9! Can you imagine me being so short? It thought not.

5 things on my to do list....

Laundry, homework, gym, having JaLee teach me to knit, finish the tagged post from Cristi, submit fiction piece for Enormous Rooms, write a midterm paper, make dinner, organize the closet, run errands....oh did you say 5?

3 bad habits.....

Being way too hard on myself, popping my neck, insomnia (this is not a habit by choice)

Places I've lived...

Richfield, Highland, Alpine, Cedar City, St. George, Midvale, Ephriam, Wyckoff New Jersey, and Ridgewood New Jersey.

What I'd do if I suddenly became a billionaire...

Pay debts, help out family, do some good, and buy a designer handbag or two.

Jobs I've had...

Lifeguard, Assisted Living, special needs supervisor, Utah School for the Deaf and Blind, Nanny (twice), family support, and respite care.

5 things you don't know about me....

Sometimes I struggle spelling the word congratulations. I love sushi. I have screws in my toes and I can feel them when I run. I own a crown. I love pearls.

I tag Lindsey, Taunya, Brooke, Cristi, Cami, Mary, and Kandace.

San Francisco

Brandon and I decided to spend the day in a warmer place so we went to San Francisco, to Fisherman's Wharf. It was such a gorgeous day and we had so much fun. It was a much needed little break.

On our way to the wharf.




We went to the aquarium, played with the fishes, pet some sharks...you know safe stuff like that.




We wandered around the docks, taking pictures, shopping, laughing, munching on fudge, and watching the sea lions.


I think we bought our weight in salt water taffy and candy.

We had such a good time we are going back next weekend!

My Little Guy

Adorable, huh? See why I love my job. Don't you just love that hair?

Ukelele

Linds and I went and saw Ingrid Michaelson in concert last week. She played Creep by Radiohead on a ukelele. How awesome is she? I heart her.