Thursday, March 13, 2008

10:38

I am not a survivor of the selfish
because I pined to be. I didn't crave
the whispers of the small town mind as
I walked among the dead.

I am not living drained, mindless, and
empty because of the holes left in his
head. I've grown only to be the daughter
of a man who was a prisoner
to his own mind.

I am not a mess, case study, disaster,
unstable, or numb drunk. I am not anything
expected.

I am ok, not because I am amazing
or unscathed or unscarred. I learned to
to keep my eyes open. I am ok because
that is all I know how to be.

*****

I had to write this for an assignment called a "Brag Poem." We had to brag about something that we were proud of. I thought about all the things I had accomplished, and this was the only one that mattered. I have chosen to be ok. I haven't let this destroy me or used it as an excuse behave any way I like. That wouldn't help me, more importantly that wouldn't help him.

4 comments:

Just Us said...

You are amazing!

bd said...

Julie, your poem is so beautiful. You're words are truly touching. My eyes were welling up as I read it. I love you girl!

Linds said...

Amazing, and very well stated...I would definitely say that this is possibly the most incredible accomplishment, because I also know how hard it can be to be "ok" and I admire you so much for that...

Mom said...

It's just your Auntie M not your Mama, sorry, I don't know how to change my ID I use for Jenny's blog. I loved your poem Julie, a fine illustration of one of your many gifts. You and Haley wrote some wonderful and heartfelt thoughts about your dad. We all loved him and will certainly never forget him. Your mom asked me to find the poem I wrote you gus a few years ago, I found it last night so I am forwarding it to you.

Bear Hugs and Baby Toes

Whenever I see
a mischievious grin,
twinkling eyes
or tiny baby toes-

Whenever I hear
a belly-busting-laugh,
a silly joke,
a childs laugh or cry-

Whenever I get
a big bear hug,
a kiss on the cheek,
or a squeeze-till-it-hurts-

Whenever it's March,
or even Springtime,
a birthday party,
or Happy Easter-

Whenever I drink
a glass of ice water,
open a bottle of mustard,
or put on a bandana-

Whenever I see
a Batman in ink,
a beautiful girl
in a hardware store-

Whenever I hear
a song from an angel,
giggles from tickels,
or a laugh-until-you-cry,

Wenever I feel
the sincerity of a kind heart,
or soft hands that know
just where to snip-

I fondly remember
big-hearted,
sentimental and tender,
fun-loving Matt-

Now and forever
a protector, a guardian,
an angel armed
with bullhorn, taser and siren-

Watching over his precious
amazing and beautiful,
ever courageous,
Katie, Julie and Haley.

I love you! You are definitely OK- Way to Be!